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TMI (Too Much Information)

Oct 2, 2008

Pardon the biker speak, I know it doesn't mix well with the medical mumble.

Had a lay down with my new hooker the other night. It all started with her slurping the nephew for a second until I asked her to stop cuz she was draggin the plow. Things progressed after I put on a helmet. I was looking her in the eye (this is an embarrassing part), and she didn't look to be hearing angels. So... I pulled up short and backed it out.

She looks up at me with a pair of 18" eyes, "Did the condom come off!?" The urgency in her tone spoke louder than a set of Cobra pipes. "No darlin', I watch the guages as I ride. I must have left you at the last marker, though."

I hobbled to the head to slip out of my raingear. Imagine my surprise when I discovered a few new freckles across my abs. I picked them out, smeared some lice shampoo across the six pack, and commented to her that she should do the same. Wow! Her fender was clear (or I would have noticed as I slipped her out of her lacey's), but her lower fairing was a regular beach b-b-q. Plenty of crab to spare.

As my WBC count is typically redlined (14.2k) and my neutrophil is too (77%, 10.9K), lice and other come and go (parasitic) party crashers don't really concern me as they don't hang around long after the party ends.

However, the current tingling in my tighties does. (1) Would you guess this is just from the bug shampoo? Obviously, I'll need to be looking in a few weeks to see if I picked up herpes from the slurpies. (2) What else should I have an eye for?

This, I hope, is where you tell me that since I applied the lay tax before the long run, my only real HIV risk would be a few minutes of insertive oral. "The risk for getting HIV through insertive oral sex is practically zero" (Kull, 2002)

Aside from her flea circus telling me that she has been a little too communal, (3) does a case of crabs THAT bad suggest trouble with her immune system? (4) does her almost drawing blood while she was smokin my pickle increase the odds of transmission (if, Clapton forbid, she is positive)? (5) would the irritation caused by the lice shampoo so soon after sex increase my risk? (that was the end of that ride) There were no visible tooth marks, and no stinging, thus I'm thinking I either didn't get the shampoo where I didn't want it, or that it wouldn't have been an open wound if I had.

Response from Dr. Frascino


I much prefer "biker speak" to "medical mumbo-jumbo."

"Draggin the plow" while "sluping the nephew"? OUCHAMAGOUCHA! Doesn't anyone (except gay men) know how to give a decent blowjob these days?

As for your new "freckles" and your hooker's "lower flair being a beach-b-b-q with plenty of crab to spare," ICK!

To answer your specific questions:

1. Probably. It would certainly not be HIV related, as your raingear was intact and the few minutes of "slurpies" would carry only a negligible risk for HIV acquisition.

2. A routine STD screen will cover you for the major players gonorrhea, Chlamydia, syphilis, etc.

3. No.

4. Not as long as she didn't actually draw blood by breaking the skin on your tallywhacker.

5. Nope.

Take care "easy rider."

Dr. Bob

our woo-hoo duet
crabs (CRABS)

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