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Concerned
Sep 25, 2008

My boyfriend just told me he was involved with a man 10 years ago and was involved with him for 3 years. He also told me he was diagnosed with HIV and he died of AIDS. That was his first and last time he was ever involved with a man. He also told me that he had unprotected sex with him about 4 times that he can remember and due to this he gets regularly tested for HIV and each time he gets a negative result. We want to get married and have children together. We have not had sex by choice and we have been committed to each other. We love each other very much and want to be together but how safe are we of not contracting HIV. His doctor tells him he can not assure him he will not. He is very healthy and I love him but I am afraid of exposing myself or our future children into this. I saw a friend die of AIDS and I dont wish that on any one. I dont want to end our relationship because he may or may not get HIV but I want to learn the facts before I make a decision. I hope you can help me or point me to the right direction. Thank you.

Response from Dr. Frascino

Hello,

Your HIV concerns are unwarranted. If your partner's last potential HIV exposure was 10 years ago and he has consistently tested HIV negative ever since, his results are absolutely definitive and conclusive. HIV is not his problem. No way. No how. (No McCain. No Sarah "I can see Russia from my house" Palin.) If his physician has not assured him of his unquestionable and irrefutable HIV-negative status, he should seek a more competent physician!

Even though I'm absolutely certain your partner did not contract HIV from his contact a decade ago and that this should not in any way be a deciding factor in your decision to get married, I do think there is potentially a completely different problem that could screw up your "happily ever after."

Your boyfriend was involved in a gay relationship for three years! That's a bit more than a "phase" or "experimenting" with his sexuality. I would be very concerned that your boyfriend may still have significant sexual orientation issues. The two of you have not had sex yet by choice. I respect and understand that choice. However, I also would not be at all surprised to find out you are sexually incompatible and your boyfriend's true sexual orientation is gay. It's best you confront this issue head on before you say "I do" and wish you hadn't! Couples counseling might help to honestly confront this potential problem.

Good luck.

Dr. Bob



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