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BF recently out and now positive
Jul 9, 2008

What started out as a casual sexual relationship with a man I met on-line evolved into a relationship over the course of three and a half years. This man that I love was married with kids when we first met. Neither of us thought then that we would be heading toward a relationship. From the start, he insisted that our sexual relationship would be open. It turns out, in hindsight, that this man was a serious, true-stride sex addict. He had sex daily with anyone he would meet on line, at bath houses, and bookstores.

He is divorced in January 2008, but he remains extremely close with his ex wife. He often refers to her as his "Grace" of "Will and Grace". They own a business together, and both always complain that there is no money. {He insisted that I get to know his wife and kids at the beginning, which I went along with). Consequently, ever since he moved in with me after they agreed to separate, he has lived with me for nearly two years without paying a dime. Evidence has surfaced that there is money in fact, and there are real valuable assets. Far more than what they have led on to have. I feel financially defrauded.

Aside from the financial issues, this guy always made it known that even though he loved me, sex with other men (or the right to have sex with other men) was more important to him than sex with me. His attitude quickly changed when he tested positive in May 2008. I am negative as of June 2008.

Ever since he converted, he has wanted a monogamous relationship. However, he seems to be withdrawing. He lives with me, but our home life is similar to two planets orbiting each other, with a lot of distance in between. He watches tv all the time, and barely interacts. I get little attention, affection, love. He never initiates sex anymore. Yet he professes his love for me and says that all these feelings of sadness and loneliness that I have are just "in my mind". He says that he is sorry that I feel that way.

What do I do? I feel terrible about his conversion. I don't have a problem with having an hiv-positive partner because I practice safe sex and/or avoid unsafe sex. He does not want to go to therapy or counseling. He cannot communicate. How do I bridge this huge divide between us without his thinking that I am rejecting him because he is now positive?

Response from Dr. Frascino

Hi,

So your online boyfriend turns out to be a sex addict who lies to you about his financial assets, freeloads off your generosity for two years while having unsafe sex with Tom, Dick and Harry (and even Tom's hairy dick), recently seroconverts to HIV positive and now wants a monogamous relationship with you, but barely interacts with you, never initiates sex, can't communicate and refuses to go to therapy or counseling. Hmm . . . do you happen to have the word "doormat" tattooed on your forehead??? Dude, it's time to wake up and smell the Starbucks. Positive or not, this guy has been taking you for a ride for quite some time. I would suggest you lay down the law. He either agrees to couples counseling or he packs his bags and moves out. If he agrees to counseling, you need to be completely honest with the therapist about your boyfriend's past behavior and your current feelings. Perhaps the two of you will be able to work things out, but in all honesty, I tend to doubt this relationship will survive, as it has no foundation, was built on dishonesty and is not meeting your physical, sexual or financial needs.

Dr. Bob



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