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Boyfriend Doesn't Want to Use Condom

May 10, 2008

Hi Dr. Bob, I have been positive for two and half years and am currently on successful ART (undectable/Healthy CD4 count). My boyfriend of 6 months asked me last night if we can "ever" have sex without condoms. I top him the majority of the time and told him that the risk is alot lower while I'm on ART, but there will always be risk. I'm a bit lost here Dr. Bob; I just never considered that he would be willing to accept the risk of not using condoms. He still indicated an interest in sex without condoms after I told him of there being risk involved. I guess he and I need to talk more about all the potential ramifications, but I would like your opinion. Is this something that should be absolutely off the table? Or is the risk low enough for us to consider "unsafe" sex? I'm afraid of doing something in the heat of the moment without it being fully thought out before hand. Thanks for all your work!

Response from Dr. Frascino


Yes indeed it's time to tell your bottom-boy to wake up and smell the Starbucks. A heart-to-heart talk is definitely in order. First, you might consider visiting an HIV/AIDS ward at the hospital or an AIDS hospice just to put this illness in its proper perspective. Next, turn your boy-toy onto this site and have him read about the challenges of co-habitating with HIV and the potentially catastrophic risks associated with unprotected sex, particularly receptive anal sex with a poz top gun. Then, the two of you should read the chapter in the archives related to magnetic couples (one poz, one neg.). Finally, you need to be very clear with your boyfriend that you could never enjoy sex, knowing you were potentially infecting him with an incurable virus. That your boyfriend would even consider unsafe sex is alarming and reveals just how ineffective our current HIV-prevention message has become.

Good luck to you both. Stay safe!

Dr. Bob

Dr, Bob I'm Still Going Crazy!
HIV and Follicular NHL

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