Big Thank You - from no-longer-wife-to-be
Jan 6, 2008
Happy New Year! I would like to give thanks to your valuable advise that you provided me dated Sept 26(if you can't recall, please see below, I copy it below). After three months struggle, my ex-fiance showed no intention to get test(he did promise me in Sept), I brought it up again in Nov, gave him the time that he needed to build up the courage to get test, however at the end, he told me he didn't want to find out the result, he was afraid to know the result and get scared to loss his establishment(owns a podiatry practice and surgeon). Thus he preferred to lose me and then disappeared after our serious talk, no verbal closure, just an email say he wants to live a simple life in peace at this point! I was devastated indeed but gladly knowing the fact that he ISN'T honest to me and to himself. Well, the result is now he became my EX. Thank you so much Dr. Bob. God bless you and yours!
Ms Happy Single
********************* should I worry? Sep 26, 2007
Dear Dr Rob:
I have a heavy heart. My fiance, who is a doctor confessed his past relationships, he have had gay relationships and had minor exposure of sexual encounter (he used to word 'safe' and he said he didn't do certain things). I very appreciated his honesty. The relationship is less than one month, as soon as he knew how crazy that world is, he get out and lives a chaste life for almost 1.5 years. He also had a needle stick injury when he performed a surgery during his residency - about six years ago, because he was afraid he would lose his career so he didn't report to his employer. He is pretty sure the patient wasn't HIV +ve, but since he is a doctor, he knows many people can look pretty healthy for several years but indeed they have deadly disease. We are about to get married, we are both devout Catholic, we are open to life. I love him very much and now he becomes a very loving partner, I cannot judge his past and I can see how hard he wants to start his life over again. My concern is I want both of us to get tested in order to make sure we will have healthy kids. He is willing to do that for us but he has great amount of anxiety, he says he is quite sure he will pass the test as he hasn't had any funny symptoms over the last seven years (since the needle stick) and he believes he is healthy, but he knows more than us since he is a doctor, therefore even he has 95% sure it still means 0% to him, he doesn't think he has it (HIV/Hep) but he is afraid he may have it and then it means his career is over, but he loves me and he wants to do it to ease our mind, he says he has 90% confidence but his anxiety is 95% as well. Doctor, can you please tell me what is the possibility that he will get a bad result? I hate to see his career is over and I hate to waste time to worry something unnessarity as life is precious. I appreciate your reply. God bless your work.
Response from Dr. Frascino
My impression is that your partner is not being honest with you or himself. I certainly cannot respect his judgment. As a physician he should certainly be cognizant of the simple fact that if he placed himself at risk for HIV, he should be tested. If he didn't place himself at risk, he would have no reason to fear getting tested. If he has chosen to avoid HIV testing because he fears it would jeopardize his medical career, again he is demonstrating poor judgment, placing his career over his health!
Wife-To-Be, that he has had "gay relationships" and then chose to lead a "chaste life for almost 1.5 years" and now wants to get married should raise multiple red flags. Sexual orientation is not a choice. Being a "devout Catholic," he may well consider homosexuality a sin. However, if his true sexual orientation is gay, he may chose to be chaste, but he can't chose to be straight.
Not only do I think you should absolutely insist on HIV testing, but also I'd strongly recommend your fiancé get counseling to explore sexual-orientation issues before considering marriage. Both your and his ultimate happiness and health are at risk.
Good luck to you both.
Response from Dr. Frascino
Hello Ms. Happy Single,
Your ex-fiancé may say he "wants a simple life in peace . . ." but I can assure you his life as a closeted gay man who is too paranoid to get HIV tested is going to be anything but simple or peaceful. Thank goodness you found out his true colors (probably a whole rainbow flag) before walking down the aisle and saying I do!
Be well. Stay well. Your Mr. Happily-Ever-After is still out there and I'm confident he'll find you!
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