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Should I disclose after the fact?

Dec 21, 2007

A week ago I went out to a bar and met a guy, both of us were drinking and we went back to my place after the bar closed. When we got back we had sex. I didnt disclose my positive status, which is the one thing I promised myself I would never do. We used a condom during anal sex (with me as a top), I also partially inserted without a condom, but removed immediately with no ejaculation/precum . In addition, we had unprotected oral sex, but I didnt ejaculate in his mouth. I am in absolute agony over what I did, but I dont know how to proceed after what Ive done. I am still in contact with him and know that the ethically/medically right thing to do is to tell him. I also dont know if I can live with this on my conscience for the rest of my life. But, my selfish and pragmatic side keeps trying to rationalize it. I know that his risk of infection is very low (I also know that isnt relevant). Im also terrified that if I tell him he will report me to the police and Ill go to prison. If there wasnt this fear of prison I would tell him immediatelybut I am so terrified at what Ive done that I cant think clearly about this. I know Ive done a despicable thing, but please give me some guidance on what I should do.

Response from Dr. Frascino


Being honest is never a wrong decision. I'd recommend you level with your buddy as soon as possible. It gets more difficult the longer you wait. Your chances of actually going to prison are next to nil. Yes, you should have disclosed your status; however, it takes two to do the horizontal mattress mambo and we are all responsible for our behavior. We must consider all our sexual partners could be HIV positive and take the necessary precautions to prevent STDs, including HIV. Talk to your buddy. Yes, he may go nuclear, but it's still the right thing, both for him and for you. You can both learn a very valuable lesson from this uncomfortable situation. Your buddy should also be informed that 25% of the over 1,000,000 HIV-positive Americans have absolutely no idea they are HIV infected. By the way, if your buddy didn't ask about your HIV status or disclose his, you just might be surprised to find out he too is "virally enhanced". Take a read through the chapter in the archives, "Disclosure of HIV Status." Hopefully you'll find the information there helpful.

Good luck.

Dr. Bob

Oral Sex

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