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Oct 9, 2007

Hi Dr. Bob, It's been a BIG help reading some of the items on this forum. Thank you! I'm Hiv+ and my partner is not. He has become paranoid about anal sex (giving or receiving) between us and while he doesn't mind receiving oral will not do anything else. He is paranoid to the point that he has proprosed that we each find another person to have anal receptive sex with. I don't think this solves anything because how can he KNOW for sure that the other person is negative and because it removes a level of intimacy in our relationship that I think may harm it. Maybe it won't. I don't know and I am not sure I'm willing to take that chance but at the same time he is becoming irritable and touchy and our relationship has been affected anyway. I love him and after 10 years of being together I still see us growing old together. What do you think of this idea and what advice might you have? I'm just confused at the moment. Thank you so much! D

Response from Dr. Frascino

Hi D,

Personally I agree with you about your partner's potential solution to your sexual conundrum! It makes no sense whatsoever. Even if someone slapped a lie detector on his Mr. Happy, I still wouldn't believe his HIV status! Remember 25% of HIV-positive Americans have absolutely no idea they are infected. These folks truly believe they are negative, but in reality they are not.

If you guys have been together for a decade, you certainly have something that has a good chance of enduring into old age and surmounting the significant challenge posed by your sero-discordant HIV status. Before considering inviting others into your bed, there are several other options I would suggest you try:

1. Both you and your partner should thoroughly read the sections in the archives of this forum that are devoted to "magnetic couples" and "HIV transmission, sexual."

2. Couples counseling with an HIV-knowledgeable compassionate therapist can be extremely helpful. Communication is key. You'll need to acknowledge your partner's fears and develop sexual rituals that you both agree are safe, based on the scientific information available concerning transmission risk, and that are within the bounds of your individual comfort levels. Your HIV specialist may also be helpful in addressing your partner's concerns and perhaps making a course of PEP readily available in case there was an unavoidable accidental exposure.

From one magnetic couple to another, Steve and I both wish you the very best.

Dr. Bob

low risk/ back again

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