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Boyfriend didnt tell me he was POS

Aug 14, 2007

I was in a short-term relationship with someone (who currently is displaying all the characteristics of sociopath), and we slept together every nite, had protected anal sex, except one time where I topped him and came inside him. The rest was unprotected oral sex. We broke up. Two weeks later, his X informs me he is HIV postivie. Yes, I believe it, and NO, I dont think he X is lying. He says he has email acknowledgment that he can show me, and the names of doctors he saw. I asked my X to go with me to get tested so I didnt have to worry, and he has not. He is denying having HIV. But I do believe he is positive. How much at risk am I? I do know that it is a crime to do what he did. Should I take this to authorities? And to make it worse, I still have feelings for him. I want to forgive him, but should I? Does he even deserve anything from me? He is playing the vicitim in that he says he has done nothing wrong, and he doesnt deserve to be treated this way.

I know I had the responsibilty of protecting myself, but he knew. He could have stopped me from making that mistake. I can see how some positive people would not tell for a quick hookup, but not telling someone you sleep with every nite for 2 months?

Please give me some advice.

Response from Dr. Frascino


It seems to me you already gave yourself the advice I was thinking about: "I know I had the responsibility of protecting myself . . . ." In addition, listening to the "ex" is always risky and rarely helpful.

Regarding your risk:

1. Oral sex carries a very minimal risk for HIV transmission.

2. Protected anal sex would carry essentially no risk, assuming the latex condom was used properly and did not break.

3. The estimated per-act risk for acquisition of HIV from unprotected insertive anal sex with a poz partner is 6.5 per 10,000 exposures.

My advice is to get an HIV test at the three-month mark.

As for the sociopath, short-term boyfriend who you still have feelings for, perhaps you could have a heart-to-heart talk with him without bringing up accusations or gossip from his other exes! Advise him you realize it was indeed your own personal responsibility to protect yourself. If you have feelings for him, show some concern. Ask him to be honest with you. Perhaps you can help each other as friends. If indeed he is positive, you should repeat your HIV test at the six-month mark to assure your negative status per the CDC guidelines. However, it may be he is negative and his "ex" is just acting like an "ex." Either way, I don't' believe this is a case for the authorities.

Good luck to you both.

Dr. Bob

svp dr bob
Found out my wife is HIV positive - please advice

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