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question from Eastern Europe
Jul 29, 2007

Dr. Bob:

I live in Eastern Europe and often do not have accurate information. Thank you for this website. From the messages I see I am not the only one who is afraid. To often we think of pleasure before consequences.

I am honestly struggling with wanting to be with my wife and pure and not to have the lusts I have for other men. I have not had anal nor oral sex in more than 7 years but recently I have touched two guys in different ways and I need to know what are my chances of getting infected and what level of panic should I be on.

I have tested negative as recently as 2 weeks ago.

Two situations:

1. I touched a man in a gay sauna and carressed his chest. I put my finger in his mouth for a few seconds..then realized I did not want to go further. I had a small tear in my cuticle but it looks that it already healed. I have read that HIV is difficult to contract from salvia should I be concerned? This happened yesterday

2nd situation: I touched another man's member in a shower (different guy). I used both hands. One hand touched his member and the hand had no sores. The second hand touched his scrotum but I had several scrapes on my inner hand based on grabbing my dogs collar which had studs. These scrapes had occurred 2 days earlier. after this event, I took an HIV test after 30 days and tested negative.

I am going on holiday with my wife and would like to make love to her without worry. For her sake/health as well as my sanity.

Final Question: I read in the past that you could take an HIV I/2 antibody test after 30 days. This is also what I read and was told by a doctor. From your emails I see it is now 90 days? When did this change take place. Are their any tests done in Europe that are accurate after 30 days?

Dziekuje , Thanks, Man in Poland

Response from Dr. Frascino

Hello Polish guy,

The HIV-transmission risk from your two recent episodes is nonexistent. However, I don't believe this is your major problem. I believe your "struggling with wanting to be with my wife and pure and not to have the lusts for men" is the real problem that needs attention.

From your post it seems you had anal and oral gay sex seven years ago and subsequently got married. You now continue to desire sex with men, but obviously feel guilty. Whether the guilt comes from your not wanting to cheat on your wife or more likely from not knowing how to cope with your sexual desires for other men, I do not know. Sexual orientation is not a choice. I would advise you do two things:

1. Level with your wife. Not only is it the best way to confront your guilt; it's also the right thing to do.

2. Get psychological counseling to help you confront your sexual orientation issues. Your ultimate true happiness and sexual fulfillment will require your being honest and upfront about your sexual orientation.

Finally, regarding HIV testing, HIV-antibody tests taken prior to the three-month mark are not considered definitive or conclusive.

Good luck,

Dr. Bob



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