My husband and I have been married for 16 years. We haven't had sex in a year. He doesn't try to initate sex. Even when we were first married our sex life has been sporadic. I would try to initiate sex and he wouldn't really respond. I finally quit trying. There have also been several times when gay men have come on to him. He's always just laughed it off but it always made me wonder. He's a wonderful person and I really want him to be happy. I really need some answers. Do you think he might be gay? Thanks!

Hello,

I have no way of determining if your husband is gay or not over the Internet over a nice bottle of Merlot, perhaps, but over the Internet, no. I would suggest it's time for "the talk" and/or couples counseling. Your situation is far from unique. See below.

Good luck to you both.

Dr. Bob

I think my husband is gay Dec 11, 2006

When my husband & I first started living together 28 years ago, he went out one night and came home with some stranger (another man) he met at a bar. I told the man to leave. I thought then, that my spouse had homosexual tendencies or he was bi. We never talked about it. I kicked it under the carpet so to speak. Well now after all these years, being married,having two daughters (25,23) he has been acting different. He seems to have all of these male acquaintances that he has told me about, yet I have never met them. He travels alot for his company. Our youngest daughter is gay and she brought a gay male friend of hers over to our house one day. My husband just stared at him (a lusty stare). He has asked our gay daughter where does she and her friends hang out? He barely touches me anymore (sexually). He even asked if my daughter's friend was coming over for Thanksgiving. I asked him why would this young man be coming over? A few years ago, we would take drives around gay areas of the city we live in and I would ask him why? I have asked him if he was gay..he says "No" which in my gut and heart I think he is lying. We own many properties in the city we ive in and one man lives in a particular place near my husband's place of business. This man is always late with his rent check, yet my husband who normally is a "freak" about money, lets this man slide, never charges him a late fee like he would with the other tenants of other properties. Please tell me what you think. I have had myself tested for all STD's and HIV. Is my intuition telling me the truth. I would not hate this man if he was gay, I would like to move on in my life but I feel he wants me as the token wife so he can hide his true self which to me is selfish. Please, Please tell me what you think. Thank you.

Response from Dr. Frascino

Hello,

Your husband comes home from a bar with "some stranger (another man);" he stares a "lusty stare" at your lesbian's daughter's gay male friends and asks your daughter where she and her gay buddies hang out; he barely touches you sexually; he takes you on drives around the gay area of town; he has many male "acquaintances" you've never met; he's uncharacteristically lenient and generous toward one guy in one of your buildings near your husband's office and you are wondering if your "intuition" is correct that your hubby may be gay????? Hmmm . . . I wouldn't call that intuition exactly. Perhaps "a keen sense for the obvious" might be more accurate.

It seems to me your husband is indeed gay and may well be leading a closeted life. It's tragic for everyone involved that you both allowed this to be "kicked under the carpet" so many years ago!!! It's time you and your hubby have "the talk!" I'd suggest you do it with the help of a marriage counselor, as this will be a difficult conversation for you both.

Finally, if you're at all still wondering if he's gay, try this: say "Judy, Liza, Joan, Mary and Barbara" and if he immediately says "Garland, Minnelli, Crawford, Tyler-Moore and Streisand," you can be sure he's gayer than the windows at Macy's at Christmas.

Dr. Bob