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Mag couple in a Red State looking for your expert advice
Feb 26, 2007

Hi Doctor Bob,

Thanks for taking the time to read my question. I have just started dating my partner who is positive. He has been for a few years now. He is a really sweet guy, handsome and very sexy. I have to be honest, and I hate to write this, but I never thought I could enter a relationship with someone that is positive, I have a long fear of the disease, but as you say opposites attract and I am in counseling with a therapist to get over my fears.

I have read everything there is to read about mag couples and the risk of HIV transmission. I have even gone with him to see his doctor to get his advice. We are going to have anal sex soon, and as I have always done with every partner, I will wear a latex condom and use plenty of lube. I asked his doctor about other things - oral sex without ejaculation and rimming and the doctor said "just worry about always using condoms and lots of lube for anal sex the rest is such a low risk so don't worry." Is he right? I would never allow his ejaculate in my mouth, but I love oral sex and the thought of sucking on a condom makes my stomach turn. In terms of rimming him before anal sex, I have read about HIV being in anal fluids, is that a real risk - even though there haven't been any documented cases - I still wonder. And finally, I have anxiety about anal sex and the condom ripping (PEP prescription in the draw!) or coming off. Is this normal? I think I read that you and Steve have never had a condom mishap in 13 years - that helps my anxiety! My partner's CD4 count is very high but his viral load is also very high. He is not on meds yet. His Doctor, who is actually great said to me, "if everyone in this world was as careful as you, I would be out of a job." He also said if everyone just wore condoms for vaginal or anal sex this very avoidable disease would go away. I guess he was just trying to prove to me that condoms work and to cut my anxiety.

We live in Wyoming - home of Dickless Cheney - we are moving to California in a few months - ahhh a blue state with blue skies!

Thanks doctor, I appreciate your time, advice and you!

Just looking for another expert to set me straight.

Thank you.

Response from Dr. Frascino

Hi,

You've just found "a really sweet guy, handsome and very sexy" . . . and you want me to "set you straight???" Why would I do that and potentially spoil the happily-ever-after ending to a wonderful "fairy tale?"

OK, so back to your problem. So despite your best efforts, you've fallen for a "positively" wonderful guy. You've "read everything there is to read about magnetic couples and the risks of HIV transmission." You've gone with your new stud-muffin to see his HIV doctor to get additional advice. You have a PEP prescription in your goodie drawer next to the condoms and Astroglide. You are in counseling with a therapist to address your fears of becoming HIV positive. Sounds like you've done your homework and covered all your bases.

In general, I agree with the advice you received from your boyfriend's doctor. Using condoms is by far the most important aspect of safer sex. The other activities you mention are indeed "low risk," as the HIV specialist said. However, I don't' think he should say to you "so don't worry!" That's up to you! Low risk does not mean no risk! For some magnetic couples, even "low risk" activities are too much risk for their comfort levels. You and your boy toy need to discuss everything you've learned about risk and what activities you both feel comfortable doing. If you try to do things you really aren't comfortable doing, for whatever reason, it won't be fun and you'll just feel guilty and worried afterward. I suggest you stick to what you both agree to as "safe enough," while continuing to work with your therapist. Overtime, as your relationship develops and you become more comfortable in your magnetic coupling, you can expand your repertoire of activities between the sheets (or on the kitchen table or your ex-boyfriend's back porch or wherever . . .), OK?

As for Scary Cheney, the Evil Lord of Halliburton, he's really gone completely delusional of late. Can you believe he told ABC News that British troops getting out of Iraq is "an affirmation that there are parts of Iraq where things are going pretty well??? Yikes! Someone get the net!!! This guy needs a padded cell.

I'm sure you'll enjoy your move to California. The natives here are very friendly. They don't bite, unless you want them to.

Stay well. (I'm sure you will.)

Dr. Bob



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