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My partner is Positive

Feb 11, 2007

Dr. Frascino,

After swearing for years that I'd never date anyone HIV positive, I fell in love with another gay man who is. Our sex life is very conservative and I only allow him to perform oral sex on me. Even though I know the risk for transmission this way has very low risk, I can't seem to totally relax when he performs fellatio. I want to advance to intercourse (with condom usage, of course) but I'm just nervous. To make matters worse, my physician knows my partner is HIV+ so he insists I get tested every three months even though the sex between my partner and me is very limited. The tests have all come back negative, but anticipation of the tests keeps me on edge. I could use some of your words of advice. I don't want to lose this guy because of my paranoia, but I also don't want to become positive. Thoughts?

Response from Dr. Frascino


I'd suggest two things upfront:

1. Read through all of the archives of this forum pertaining to "magnetic couples" with your new Mr. Right. There is a wealth of information there to help the two of you develop sexual rituals that you are both comfortable with. We refer to this as negotiated risk (or negotiated safety). Should an unanticipated exposure occur, you should be ready to take PEP (post-exposure prophylaxis). Your boyfriend's doctor perhaps could arrange this for you.

2. Consider getting a more reasonable doctor. Just because your doctor is overly paranoid, doesn't mean you should have to get unnecessary tests and constantly be kept on edge!

Finally, I should point out that I am part of a magnetic couple as well. Steve, Dr. Steve in The Body's Tratamientos Forum, is HIV negative and I am "virally enhanced." We've had one of those romances that many people believe only happens in old movies (or current chick-lit fiction). We've been together for 13 years and counting and our relationship couldn't be better or more sexually satisfying in that wonderful toe-curling, own-name-forgetting type of way! We are living proof that opposites attract. Don't let Mr. Right get away for all the wrong reasons!

Good luck to you both.

Dr. Bob

My deepest condolences
Bit my partner

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