ex nihilo nihil fit, cause and effect, action reation
Nov 11, 2006
My vision is clouded by darkness and my heart filled with depression. I have one hope. Trying to recollect my sanity by remember the soft spoken words given to me by reason. The clash between illusion and reality has continued in a constant battle in my mind. I remember at times the clearness of happiness, the voice of reason that I so deeply long for. I remember it like a whisper in a loud concert. The Latin phrase was given to me by a doctor. It's significance I am told corresponds with Plato's theory of existence; ex nihilo nihil fit- of nothing comes nothing. This "nothingness" as the voice of reason tells me is this. After months in solitary fearing a virus that has plagued my sanity I recollected the courage to enter the public sphere. I went to a social outing, a "night club" as it is so often termed. Upon entering this night club I was frightened, my Histrionic personality disorder has served me well in thinking that I am the special one to be targeted by a psycho with a syringe containing a deadly HIV virus. I was standing by the bar oberserving my success for leaving my spiral of hell behind me. It was a crowded place so it was difficult for me to concentrate on the people around me. After some time this man brushed my backside. Automatically i felt, that I felt something. I literally envisioned him pricking me with a needle and walking away. I immediately looked at his hands as he was walking away, I did not see a needle but I am afraid that I did not have a good look. He was walking rather quickly and it seemed as though his hands were not fully opened for me to have a good look. However, I immediately forgot about the entire situation that night and enjoyed the rest of my success for finally leaving my house. I saw this man afterwards that night on two occasions and I paid no attention to him (on one occasion outside having filling his lungs with smoke and on another one speaking to a female). After getting home I got down on my hands and knees and thanked the Powers that Be for giving me the strength and courage to face my fears. The next morning I noticed something, my underwear had blood on them; This is not the first time that this had happened, I have a scratching problem, and at times I scratch my backside until i bleed. However, I felt that something was different about this, I looked on my rear and saw a minor cut; I have similar cuts however this is where my reason gets clouded. Immediately I started feeling symptoms to a disease known as HIV, a week later I woke with a mouth ulcer which lasted 1 day; I feel pain in all the lymph regions, (the groin region i feel as though I irritated it by constantly pressing it)- sometimes being over-educated in certain areas can be Detrimental. I dont exactly feel large bumps however this does not comfort me, (for if you do enough searching you will find something). I feel flushed with burning skin and I am afraid that my spiral of hell is once again continuing. This is not the first time I have written to you about this circumstance, this is not the first time I raised this issue with my doctor. However this is the first time that I am unable to serve my compulsion; I cannot check and recheck my underwear to search for blood (for the blood is there); I cannot check and recheck the area for a cut (for the cut is there). I am trying to find out the cause to the effect that I fear so deeply, the action that has initiated this corresponding reaction. What if there was a needle, what if he did prick me, "what if, what if what if". (Imaginary thinking isnt it?) It seems so real. There is too much evidence linking this incident to reality; the blood, the symptoms. What should I do? I am asking the most humble person in existence for advice. Do you think he gave me HIV? Does it seem rational for him to remain on the premises after infecting me? Are these symptoms part of a larger problem that is related to this disease?
Please Doctor; a response would be much appreciated.
Response from Dr. Frascino
You summed up your entire problem, quite poetically I might add, in your first sentence: "My vision is clouded by darkness and my heart filled with depression." BINGO!
Your HIV fears are completely unwarranted. What should you do?
1. Make an appointment, without delay, with a psychiatrist for evaluation and treatment of your anxiety and irrational HIV fears.
2. Consider a career in creative, albeit totally whacked and depressive, writing.
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