Year update from ex closeted guy
Sep 27, 2005
Dear Dr. Bob,
I have a bitter and sweet story to tell you. You may not remember me, but about a year ago I asked you about some concern about HIV. Because I was having some first time gay encounter and at the time I was in the closet. I gave you a whole list of things that I did with the guys. You kinda made fun of me and asked me to come out of the closet. So I took your advice and slowly came out to most of my close friends. It felt great. I no longer have to hide my emotion and feelings toward the person I am attracted to. Anyway, things were going greatclubbing on the weekend and dating cute guys. One night I was bored and got on to a chat/hook up site. I swear not to hook up. Because I always thought it was dangerous to have sex with a total stranger. Anyway, there I saw this realllly cute boy and decided to say HI. At first he didnt respond and I thought I was not his type. When he said hi back I asked him what he was looking for. He replied : LOVE. I thought it was so sweet and kept chatting with him. I found out he lives in Pennsylvania. I live in Maryland. Regardless the distance we kept chatting until 6 in the morning. I felt real close to him. The next day we kept texting back and forth. I started to miss him so much and on the third day I decided to drive to see him to PA which was around 116 miles. When I saw him it was like a dream come true. He was everything a guy could ask for. He was very handsome, funny etc. etc. I was blown away when he told me that he thought I looked way cuter than my pictures (Im sure it was lie..lol). Well, next weekend he drove to Maryland to see me. Just in a week we felt like we were couple for years. So, he decided to get a job here and moved to Maryland. In a week he got a job in Baltimore with a design group company. I was about to move out from my house, because my roommate told me that he does not like my lifestyle. He still couldnt accept me as gay. So, Jamie and I got us an apartment and moved in together on the third week. Everything happened so fast. I had no reaction time. Now, here comes the sad part. After we moved in he decided to get and HIV test. You probably already guessed where my story is going. Yes, he was diagnosed with the virus. I tried to be as supportive as possible. I felt so bad for him. He never had a family. His father left him when he was 8 or 9 and grew up in 7 foster homes. It is really sad that god didnt seem to care what this kid has been through. Im sure he made some poor choices, but no one was there to guide him. Anyway, so next week I took the test and it came negative. I really really love him and care for him very much. But no matter how much I try to pretend, its not the same as before. I know that as long as we dont have unprotected sex, we have nothing to worry. But, Im still scared of so many things like unprotected oral, kissing with sore mouth etc.. He refuges to have protected oral and we kinda have arguments about that. Im totally lost. I love him so much and at the same time I worry about my safety. Please, HELP!!
Response from Dr. Frascino
Generally speaking, I think closets are health hazards. I'm delighted you've come out of yours!
Next, what to do about you and the "very handsome, funny, etc., etc. Jamie?" First off, I would strongly advise you not to "to try to pretend." In reality, things now are not the same and it would be foolish and dishonest to pretend they were. If you decide to remain together, you will be a magnetic couple (one positive, one negative). Can such situations really work? Yes, they can. As you may or may not know, I am part of a magnetic couple. I am HIV positive and the love of my life Steve (Dr. Steve, the expert in The Body's Tratamientos Forum) is HIV negative. We've been together for 12 years and have the kind of romance and passion most folks only dream about. And yes, it includes mind-blowing, toe-curling, disturb-the-neighbors type sex. I certainly can't promise you'll have the same happiness. I just wanted you to know it is possible.
I would suggest you read through the information in the archives related to magnetic couples. Communication is key. I would also suggest you consider couple's counseling with an HIV-knowledgeable therapist. Hopefully this would help you confront and cope with your fears as well as resolve any areas of disagreement related to sex and safety.
The take-home lesson is don't let Mr. Right get away for all the wrong reasons.
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