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Suggestions for cutting compulsive sex?

Jul 10, 2005

Dr. Bob,

I am attracted to both sexes, but am in a committed relationship with a woman I love and I don't have the option of just breaking up and "coming out", for a variety of reasons. I have a happy sex life with her but still find it hard to resist the temptations of gay sex. My biggest fear is of course HIV. Can you recommend any type of counseling or treatment to reduce one's sex drive or at least increase a person's will power? My biggest problem is that the few times I have had secret "hookups," I started with the intention of staying safe but the men refused to have oral sex with condoms; so I ended up engaging in brief acts of oral sex without a condom. The guilt and fear of HIV have weighed heavily on me and it seems that my best option is total abstinence on the gay side, but I wish I could find out more about the track record of other men in the same situation so that I increase my chances of stopping the risky behavior for good. I am fortunate because I told my female partner everything I have been struggling with and she has agreed to stay with me as long as I get counseling.

Response from Dr. Frascino


You want to know the track record of other men in your same situation? Hmmm . . . other guys in a "committed relationship" who "don't have the option of just breaking up and 'coming out' for a variety of reasons," and who have a happy sex life with "her," but find it hard to resist the temptations of "him" (gay sex), so you have "secret hookups" and then have "guilt and fear???" I'm not really sure knowing the track record of others will help your particular dilemma. However, I absolutely agree you need counseling! Perhaps even couples counseling. The basic issue here, however, should not be "to reduce one's sex drive." The track record for denying one's sexual orientation and/or sex drive gay, straight or whatever is very clear. It doesn't work. Your counseling should focus on helping you and your partner understand your true sexual orientation. Your best chance for happiness depends on your being honest with both your partner and yourself. By the way, stopping risky behavior is completely unrelated to your sexual orientation issues.

Good luck.

Dr. Bob

What is your secret?
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