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Negative Unprotected Oral Giver with Positive Boyfriend, am I crazy?
Jan 28, 2005

Hi Dr. Bob! I wrote the other day... remember, I talked about this guy I'm seeing who's positive. I know there is a forum for magnetic couples, but I have some safety based concerns and besides... you are just so cool!

My positive guy and I have protected anal - I'm receptive - and I'm not really worried about that, but...

The other day I sucked him without a condom for a good 15-20 minutes - in his office of all places - wow that was wild! (Ironically in an AIDS-related job, but anyway...) Since I was so into it I didn't notice that my front teeth actually caused some damage on the inside of my mouth above my front teeth... no blood that I could see or taste, but it was very irritated, raw and bumpy.

He didn't finish in my mouth - that's been our agreement and too risky for me, but I did taste a lot of happy pre-fluid.

The next day I was so freaked about because my mouth still hurt and I was sick to my stomach all day. A few days later, now, I feel feverish and have a sore throat. Now I don't know if this is stress, or some buggy, or what!

Being educated and well-informed (partially because of this great forum and your advice and knowledge), I realize I am probably just allowing the worry to affect my body, and I plan to get tested in 3 months... but what can I do until then to not feel so freaked out? I feel almost disfunctional from the fear that he transmitted the virus to me.

Well at least I know now - no more oral without a condom because, even with the super low risk, even the possibility has me freaked. Do you think that is irrational? Or do you think I was completely insane to go down on him without a condom, knowing his status?

I hope you reply, but again that is up to you! Lots of love, paranoidmagneticboy from Marin County!

Response from Dr. Frascino

Hello Paranoidmagneticboy from Marin,

Covert wild nob nibbling right in the office??? Yep, that's hot OK. Now before we all get too carried away with our own visual images of you arriving dressed as the UPS guy who's suppose to special handle a large package . . . we best get on to your question.

From reading the Forum, you have correctly surmised that oral sex carries a very low risk of HIV transmission. True, we can't say it's absolutely no risk, and there are always potentially extenuating circumstances, but even with all that taken into account, the actual risk remains very low.

So do I think you were completely insane to go down on him without a condom, knowing his status? No. I think we all need to understand the potential risks and consequences of any of our voluntary actions. I know many magnetic couples who are very well informed and have decided that, based on the information we have today, the risk of unprotected oral sex is a risk they are willing to take. This process is termed "negotiated risk" (or "negotiated safety"). It has to be something both of you agree on. Setting your sex ritual boundaries this way keeps guilt and doubt out of the bed (or office, as it were). In your case, you've decided that now you know, "no more oral without a condom because, even with the super low risk, even the possibility has me freaked." This is not being irrational. It's just knowing where your comfort level is. It's not the same for all couples.

Do I think your symptoms are HIV related? No, I do not. I agree with you that the stress, anxiety and worry are probably the real cause. If you are worried, you should indeed carry on with your plan to get tested in three months. In the interim, reread the oral sex archives. The information there should be encouraging and enlightening. If you can't get a handle on your fears and are indeed becoming dysfunctional, consider getting some counseling to help you cope with the stress of the window period. Just remember the odds remain astronomically in your favor. OK?

Now, can I borrow your UPS uniform? I might just pay Dr. Steve a visit.

Good luck. Stay well.

Dr. Bob



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