Sep 25, 2004
Dear Dr. Bob,
This is your old friend flash here to say WOOHOO! But I have to confess I am a liar. I submitted a response to you explaining that my results were positive even though I turned out to be negative. Why would someone do this you ask? The answer is because I was so sure I was positive even though you repeatedly told me my exposure (unprotected oral on a female call girl) was extremely low risk. I apologize for lying to you. To all worried wells out there I have some awesome advice for you. Take the frickin test and be done with it. I have wasted an entire frickin year and a half with this thing. Every day for the last year and a half I thought about being positive. God it was so depressing. If you are reading this and its past 2am and you are trying to get some sleep but you cant because you think you got HIV because you performed ORal Sex on somebody just stop... breaathe deeply, order the FDA approved Home test right now,( I said right now gosh darnit) and go to sleep. Because you just took the first step to recovery. I will once again Doc ramble off my exposure and symptoms. All of you worried wells out there who search every web site to see if there symptoms match HIV infection will see that I had a lot of them...Or so I thought. Here we go: Day 20 after ten minutes of unprotected sloppy wet putting my tongue all up inside that call girls thing I came down with a flu like illness. Fever, Dry cough, malaise, sore throat, and to top it all off Pink eye. Now you tell me Mr./Mrs. worried well, wouldn't this be the beginnings of my HIv seroconversion process. But wait this tale gets a whole lot better. I decide to engage in unprotected sex with my current girlfriend after this experience. Heck we are in a monogamous relationship, or so she thought. 3 weeks later she comes down with bronchitis. To top that off the bronchitis is accompanied by a frickin cold sore, or my favorite term from those HIV info sites an ORAL ULCER. Three Months later she goes to see her Doctor because her tonsils become swollen. Guess what, her Doc says she now has tonsillitis. Holy fickin crap I am so screwed. She must have Hiv and I must have given it to her. The story gets worse. I start having severe dandruff problems. Nothing worked for my dandruff, not head and shoulders, not Nizoral, not Denorex, not Selson Blue, not anything. Then the weird body rash developed in all the places that seborrheic dermatitis developes. Now I am really screwed. During this whole miserable ordeal Dr. Bob told me several times to calm down and look at the facts. ORal Sex carries an extremely low risk. But what does he know, its not like he is a Dr. or its not like he has the disease himself, oh wait a second he is and does. I am sorry for rambling, and I am sorry for the punctuation errors, but its 235 am and I could not sleep until I sent this response in. In closing I would just like to add that I consider you a friend Dr. Bob even though we have never met and probably will never meet. Somebody put you on this earth for a reason and you have been fulfilling your destiny for over a decade now. Please, Please stay with us as long as you can. Please fight the good fight. If ever for a second you get depressed just think of the countless number of people you help every day and the countless number of people who practically owe you there lives for keeping them sane. I will be donating to your foundation sir, and you will always and forever be in my prayers. Dr. Bob AAAHHHHH! He saves everyone of us ( This would be the song from the movie FLash Godon made in 1980)
Your Friend, Flash
Response from Dr. Frascino
Hey there Flash,
Certainly no apology is needed! But I am glad you did set the record straight, as all spandex-clad superheroes do in the last reel!
Flash, I'm delighted to have you as a friend, even with that dandruff problem of yours.
Did you know that the soundtrack to the 1980 campy Flash Gordon movie is by Queen??? And how about Max Von Sydow as Ming the Merciless??
OK, Flash, now that we're friends and all, can I borrow the spandex? I need a real campy outfit for Halloween.
Stay well, Flash.
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