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Would you like some NEUROSIS with your friggin' fries??? TO ALL O' Y'ALL!!!
Jul 13, 2004

Dear Dr. Bob,

this is less a question as it is a comment to all the people out there who suffer from too much worrying about being (often wrongfully) contaminated by a HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE plague.

(And before wetting themselves over my following comment: I am a master of too much worrying: OCD for a year now, 40g of Citalopram, handswashing-count: 40 times a day!)

It is quite early in the day, the sun has not awoken yet, when just suddenly, the light of truth bitch-slapped out of my non-existing dream (due to the medication and to too much sloppy-joe last night) to share some of it with all of you worrywarts out there.

Ok: is there an illness called AIDS out there, class?!

a.) Yes b.) No c.) Yes? d.) No? e.) I'm sorry, I don't eat red meat f.) Tcho' talkin' to me?!?

Well, class, the answer is a.)

Now to the following question:

Is this disease to be spread like cholera, tubercolosis, influenza and/or the plague which accounted for some major balancing in the world population:

a.) Yes b.) No c.) Yes? d.) No? e.) I'd rather stay with my boiled vegetables, thank you! f.) Tcho' STILL talkin' to me?!?

And here again the answer is a.)!

It is simply amazing: people that have difficulties tying their shoelaces, or so much as rolling a rubber over their weiners (or telling Pitt-Snoop-Lookalike to do the same), suddenly become professors emiriti when it comes to virus-transmission.

They suddenly learn words such as ARS, pneumonia carnii and candida albicans; they correct me that CD4 is not a new boys-band, nor the movie with that whatsitsname black actor in it, and they pronounce the word Azidothymidine as I pronounce the word 'frogurt' (and I have a doctorate in literature!), which means no tongue-knotting, and/or otherwise.

And I wish I could meet some of these people, that are so much of a paranoid as I unhappily am, and tell them:

Listen, Louis Pasteur, why don't you put the friggin' magnifying glass down and pull the other thumb out of of your posterior?!

It might thus be easier to get the WHOLE picture instead of trying to meticuously find something that you can attach your guilt of NOT having paid your attention only ONCE in your life.

Ok, so you slept with that toothless, one-legged lady every trucker fondly refers to as Gummy-Ginny. Well, if you DIDN'T use protection, don't worry, go get TESTED. It's probably free and you don't have to memorize spellings such as 'that thrush in my ESOPHAGUS'! I'm sure you must have read somewhere in your clever books that HIV is treated best when discovered early, innit?

Now for everybody else that have shook the hand of a 'shabby-looking person' or had a peculiar lady tea-bagging her labia majoras close over your buttoned pants AND boxers; or the time you have gotten oral sex from your mom's hoover at home:

YES, you are a deviant and should get some time alone with a nice copy of Frederick's of Hollywood in a lone, warm and cozy bathroom.

But your behavior is SOOO much more deviant if - due to this one moment of human, sexual weakness - you become a friggin' doctor of tropology and virus-transmission.

Take it from the REAL doctor, take it from the SO MUCH DREADED, new-age 'leper':

Do you seriously think that there are TWO bathrooms in the Frascino-household??? One for NON-AIDS people such as Steve, and the other for the WRETCHED-HIV-DOOMED such as dear Dr. Bob?

Do you think Steve - after coming home from work - does NOT eat Dr. Bob's fabulous carbonara, because it had been made by a (oh, geez-mary-and-joseph!) AIDS-patient???

Do you really think that they NEVER cuddle, NEVER use the same shower, NEVER kiss, NEVER touch the same doorknob, NEVER drink out of the same coffee-mug and NEVER make protected love???

Steer your wild imagination into THAT reality!

(And if your answer is still a.) on those questions, consider how much dread has PERVERTED your perception of life. And think about living such a life in continous fear. What a life's mission THAT is!)

Of course they do!!! Because they KNOW (THEY are the doctors, not you, Albert Schweitzer) they don't infect each other that way. And Dr. Bob IS HIV+, a reality, not a boogeyman-scenario concoted in your mind!

Now, where does that leave you/us?

It leaves us in a very dreary position, my friend. It leaves us in fear, because we 'sinned' and know are purging ourselves by losing our minds. But let me all of worriers: it is a low-down shame that guilt and fear keeps me from touching the ones I love (even my cat)! It leaves me exhausted, irritated and finally lonely, because I/we live in constant fear!

Come on, your medical books should tell that AIDS is nothing new. You know what the function of white blood-cells are? Why don't you know the more obvious:

Wear a rubber, wear a RUBBER, WEAR A RUBBER! Dont, lick, scratch or sniff without one!

Everything else will very unlikely infect you with AIDS. No more freak-scenarios, because it is 'justement' FREAKS that invent these scenarios.

If you are really worried and there is no doubt in your mind that you are infected, stop it at once, and get TESTED. Don't consult any medical dictionaries, or surf the web until your mom screams to down to you in the basement: Bill/Trish, your sloppy-joe is getting cold! (And after finding out, that you are NOT positive, follow FOREVER the rubber rules!)

If you ever become hot and bothered DON'T do something stupid. Find a bathroom and wank it for the sake of sanity. Trust me it works, but wash your hands: SOMEBODY ELSE MIGHT GET INFECETED BY YOUR imagined HIV+ STATUS!

Hehe, silly... take a chill-pill, you DON'T have it.

To make this VERY long story short: life is not life when living it in fear!

It seems to me that people who actually are living the reality of HIV are not as afraid as we are, we, the wretched living the remote POSSIBILITY of HIV.

Now whose thoughts are perverted?

Follow Dr.Bob's advice, he knows, cover your weiner, just say 'moe' ot drugs (forget that sex-part) and live life, don't fear it.

Otherwise call me: I'd love to share some of my soap and medication with you!

Live long and prosper (and inforce fair trade),

OCD in B.

Response from Dr. Frascino

Hi OCD in B,

Did you type that whole tome without stopping to wash your hands? If so, you're well on the road to controlling your OCD. Thanks for your entertaining diatribe!

You are absolutely correct: I do make a helluva tasty carbonnara . . . . Oh, and your right about all that other stuff as well.

By the way, I thought "frogurt" was what happens to my Yoplait when I mistakenly put it in the freezer: it becomes frozen yogurt or "frogurt" for short. However, if "frogurt" really means no tongue-knotting, then George W. must be a supreme "anti-frogurt!"

Dr. Bob



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