Feb 4, 2004
Hi Doctor Bob,
I have been poz since 1984 via blood product. Found this site in 98 and it has always been a great source of information, and comfort. Thank you for your time and the help you give so many people. Sorry you had to had to endure the ranting of that uneducated angry, buffoon. I have been married 5 years to a HIV negative man and we dont have safe sex. That confession makes me petrified. He refuses and will not negotiate it. I have had a hysterectomy; my viral load was 20k at last test, in the last five years I have ranged from undetectable to hundreds of thousands. I stuff the fear down and live basically in denial that I could give HIV to the person I love so much. He gets tested and has remained negative. We mostly engage in oral sex when we do have vaginal sex after he pees and washes well. Where would you place our level of risk? I have too much fear to confront the issue. I dont really know what to do. Any suggestions? thank you
Response from Dr. Frascino
There are a variety of reasons why an HIV-negative person would refuse to negotiate safer sex with their HIV-positive partner and thereby place himself or herself at risk. These include:
1. To deny there are differences between them (essentially denying HIV).
2. To "prove" one's love.
3. To express anger about the virus.
None of these "reasons," of course, is actually valid.
What should you do? First off, realize that "stuffing the fear down and living basically in denial that you could give HIV to the person you love so much" is not a viable option. I'd suggest you copy this question and my reply as well as the other posts about magnetic couples in the archives and give them to your husband. You must then let him know exactly how you feel. He needs to know that you cannot enjoy sex, knowing you are placing him at risk. He may not realize you "have too much fear to confront the issue." If he refuses to negotiate, you can also refuse to have unsafe sex. Urinating and washing after vaginal sex will not protect him from HIV. A latex condom will. Review all the information on this site pertaining to the levels of risk for the various sexual activities you enjoy. Decide together what level of risk you are both comfortable with and then redraw your sexual boundaries.
Speaking from personal experience, magnetic couples can have pleasure, intimacy, and hot sex. Personally, I could never expose Steve to potential harm. My love for him would never allow it.
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