here is my scenerio. the other day i went to a restaurant were i ordered a very creamy looking pasta, well to my horror i found what looked like a pubic hair in my food. i have heard many horror stories of people getting infected due to some cook ejaculating in their food.at the time when this happened i had a cut in my mouth, should i be worried?, should i wait and get tested?, please help, and thanks in advance

Hello,

You've "heard many horror stories of people getting infected due to some cook ejaculating in their food?" Now just where did you hear these many horror stories? At your weekly "preposterously ridiculous and incredibly zany paranoid's support group?" Perhaps your group ran out of alien abduction stories?

Look, I'm sure many chefs have secret ingredients, but as anyone who has ever had oral sex can tell you, pubic hair really isn't all that flavorful. And as for creaming in the creamy pasta sauce, some chefs may love the food creations they make, but really dear, that's a very different kind of love. So those "many horror stories" are just that "horror stories" not actual events.

But just so you can report back to your paranoid support group, lets' assume an oversexed kitchen worker decides to add his secret sauce to your favorite dish? HIV would not be transmitted this way no matter how salty the food tasted. HIV does not survive very long outside the body, and I think you would have noticed if your waiter added his spunk to your main course at the same time he was twisting the ever-phallic fresh pepper grinder. Right?

So, it's back to alien abductions at the next meeting, OK?

Stay well and enjoy your creamy pasta!

Dr. Bob