...But I'm symptom city. Doctor Bob, you do wonderful work and I'm so impressed with your candour and wit. And you are brave as feck too. Look, I did a terrible thing - I cheated on my (vanilla) girlfriend to satisfy my bondage lust in a BDSM brothel. She (the kinky shady lane girl) rubbed against me while I was tied to a cross, and I *think* I penetrated her unprotected - and she let me, for a minute or so. There are so many uncertainties - she denied I penetrated her, I think when frisky with my gf I have penetrated her before though she says I didn't, but it felt like it. And I've been suffering the classic "ars symptoms" for nearly six weeks now (my exposure was July 27th). I've always had a poor-ish immune system as it takes me a long time to get over colds and flu, so although I had negative HIV tests at 25 days and 41 days I hold little hope. Aches in my arms like I've never felt before, persistant cough, itches, new moles (I have fair skin), some aches in legs, terrible trouble sleeping, white tongue, sore behind the ears occasionally, occasional sore underarm, pitachie (sorry for spelling - I'm British, and drunk). I have stereotypical bad teeth for a Brit too, and I cheated on my gf (who I haven't had sex with for quite some time, and certainly not since the risk incident) but I'm so frightened that by kissing her, with bad gums that might possibly bleed, I've given HIV to her too. Dr Bob, I know I'm not unusual and I hope to God/Tom Baker/John Lennon I'm a classic worried well but I'm so frightened that my mistake will result in the infection of my gf (who also has gum problems too). We've been on the brink of splitting up so many times but it's just not happening. We live together. I know my risk is low but with all my symptoms I'm convinced. You can rely on a $50 donation from me as soon as payday comes round if that helps. It's not much but my job isn't great...

Hey,

You allowed Kinky Kaitlin to have her way with you while you were tied to a cross at a sadomasochist-bondage brothel???? Hmmm . . . yeah, poor Velma Vanilla couldn't possibly compete with that.

Your HIV risk frottage or minimal penetration is negligible. Your symptoms are not consistent with or suggestive of HIV ARS (acute retroviral syndrome). Your fears are unwarranted. If you remain worried, get a single HIV rapid test at the three-month mark to put your residual fears permanently to rest.

As for God and John Lennon, well, OK sure, but Tom Baker? Nah. (John Barrowman, maybe, but not Tom Baker?!?)

Thanks for your donation to The Robert James Frascino AIDS Foundation (www.concertedeffort.org). In return I'll send my good-luck karma that your conclusive HIV test is negative. (I'm confident it will indeed be negative.)

Stay well or I'll tie you up and spank the living daylights out of you.

Dr. Bob