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How do I ask him why his sexual beahvior towards me has changed?

Jun 5, 2007

Hello there!

I have been dating this person for more than a year now and during the dating period I found out I was positive. When I met him I shared with him my last results as he shared with me his which were both negative. We proceeded to engaged in safe sexual activity and it was amazing, but two months into the dating it was about the time to get my routine test with the results coming back positive. I immediately notified him and even though I knew our sexual activity was safe, I recommended for him to get tested. He did and his status up-to-date is negative and hes gotten tested 3 times, so I guess that make us a serodiscordant couple.

There has been a dramatic change when it comes to intimacy from him towards me, a complete change from when we met; it changed when I told him the results of my test. He says he feels comfortable and that he has no issues with it, but when it comes to intimacy, lets just say that it comes from me to him only and it ends there. I do not remember when was the last time he touched me in an intimate way, and cant help but think that he is probably afraid of doing anything that he thinks will put him at risk. The most I get from him are kisses and hugs. I really, really like this guy and even though I have mentioned many things about HIV/AIDS, mentioned to him that I will never put him at risk, and asked him how comfortable does he feel, I just do not know how to approach him and ask him why he is treating me like someone who gave up sex, like someone who is just there to give and that is it, why he doesnt even erotically touches me?

As a test, last time I was being intimate with him I suggested he pass me a condom and even though he agreed and passed me the condom and all the necessary things, his actual physical reaction was other, it changed from having an erection to completely lost it, and I didnt even open the condom, just the thought of what was coming next made him loose it, and for me that was proof of how uncomfortable he is feeling with that, and it hurt. So, how do I approach him with these questions? Or is it me that do not want to do it because of fear or knowing the answer? I have asked him many times generally and I think that if he is intelligent enough, which he is, he knows what I am talking about. I need advise!!


Response from Dr. Frascino


There is no doubt you and Mr. Right have a problem. Your positive HIV test spoiled his vision of happily-ever-after. The problems your relationship is facing are not uncommon for magnetic couples (one poz, one neggie). The good news is that he hasn't decided that you are no longer compatible and ended the relationship. The not-so-good news is that he's not really dealing with the issue very well.

My advice is that you (and hopefully your boyfriend too) read through the archives of the Safe Sex/HIV Prevention forum pertaining to magnetic couples. Communication is key. Couples counseling may be helpful in getting your partner to open up about his feelings and confront his fears. He may feel he can't discuss certain fears with you because you're the one actually dealing with being positive.

With open communication and the establishment of sexual rituals you both agree are safe (or "safe enough"), you can have a very successful and satisfying relationship. I speak from experience, as I'm part of a magnetic couple (with Dr. Steve, the forum expert in the Tratamientos forum). We've been together for almost 14 years now and still have toe-curling, own-name-forgetting, wake-the-neighbors type of sex.

Ultimately, if your relationship doesn't work out, remember your boyfriend is rejecting the virus, not you! Your ultimate Mr. Right needs to fulfill your needs and desires and accept you as "virally enhanced."

Good luck.

Dr. Bob

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