Im not paranoid, everyone really is out to get me
Jul 13, 1998
Am I going crazy? Is it me? I have this persistent feeling of paranoia, i find myself avoiding people and crowds more everyday. Get this, i actually worry that people are talking about me. And I can't get the feeling out of my head. I mean it paralyzes me sometimes. And you wanna discuss mood swings, dont let yourself be in a room alone with me.....you might get eaten. Thank god i stopped taking the meds, they just made it worse. I feel sad alot lately, dont know why. Feel like a transmission with no engine. After 4 years being poz, you would think i could handle this stuff. By the way, i havent found a job yet, its been four months. But i just dont want to go out there and try again. ANd my relationships are all just gettin to difficult to deal with. My mother resents me, my boyfriend treats me like a lost puppy, and my best friend feels battered. Why dont i ever have fun anymore, why dont i ever feel happy anymore, why dont i ever get horny anymore. Why do i always have to be the asshole. Why do people always think im the asshole. Am i an asshole? and if so, WHY? What happened to the good person that i used to be. How do i become him agian? And where do you get help with this from a proffesional when you cant afford to eat....and not a counselor...I MEAN a liscenced therapist/psychiatrist. I dont need someone to listen...I need someone to RESPOND.....Am i crazy?
Response from Mr. Shernoff
You are not crazy, just in a lot of pain and experiencing some signs of what may be HIV related neur-psychiatric disorder. You are absolutely correct that you do not need a counselor. You need a referral to a professional who can really assess and diagnose what is going on with you. Do you have a regular primary care physician? If so, can you tell him or her what is going on and ask them to refer you to a psychiatrist who is experienced in working with HIV related psychiatric disorders. How are you paying for your medical care? Do you still have health insurance, or are you on Medicaid? If you do not have health insurance of any kind, call your local AIDS service organization and make an appointment to speak with someone there about beginning the process of receiving the entitlements you need in order to continue receiving medical care. Good psychiatric care is part of a comprehensive spectrum of coverage. It sounds like you may need a combination of psychotherapy with a skilled therapist as well as psychiatric medication for your mood swings and what sounds like a profound depression. It is no wonder that you describe everyone around you finding you difficult to deal with since you are not working, and have no meaningful daily life. Begin by taking care of getting yourself by getting help with accessing benefits that if left to yourself you will not do. Please call your local AIDS organization to start this process immediately.
Michael Shernoff, MSW
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