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why do I feel this way?
Jan 16, 1998

Some times I wonder if the pain I have now is always going to be here or if I'm going to be able to live a normal life again? Living with HIV from 85 till 95 then going to the stage of haing AIDS, and learning to handle knowing that I might not live long, I guess I feel like now I'm stuck with a body that I don't like and really can't get used to good and bad days. Good is when I'm up doing things and bad, well I don't move to much. It just hurts to know how active I was then. Now it's just playing with my puppy and training her is my best day. My viral load is now at 2,200, alot better then before. But how can I say I'm getting better when my body hurts so much at times I want to give it up, and not fight to live anymore? But a set of baby blue eyes from my daughter can change that whole thought from my head.

Response from Mr. Shernoff

Not being a physician I can not answer why your body hurts so badly. All I can suggest is to share this information with your physician and ask him or her if they have any suggestions regarding things you can do to reduce your physical suffering. This may include a referral to an acupuncturist, a hypnotherapist who specializes in pain control or a nutritionist. The fact that you still feel joy from your child and puppy show that you are very much emotionally alive, though obviously disabled and debilitated.

Not being as strong and active as you were once is a source of enormous emotional pain and suffering. These are very real and powerful losses that you are experiencing. Unfortuantely, many of your feelings are normal and understandable reactions to what you are living through. Living on a daily basis with the uncertainties associated with having AIDS taxes even the most spiritually and emotionally resourceful individual. Hopefully there are a variety of loving and supportive people with whom you can share your pain so as a t least yo will not be isolated. Keep reaching out to others.

Michael Shernoff, MSW



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