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pain in everything

Jun 24, 2001

I don't know where to start really, but I am very tired.

I was diagnosed with full blown AIDS just last Dec. 1. I was first diagnosed with the virus back in 1985.

I have gone through two bouts of PCP, one bout of CMV in my lungs and have extreme fatigue all of the time. The meds have done me okay and people say I should be happy because I am doing so well. But, I am tired of saying I am okay to everyone.

I am just too tired to fight anymore. I would just like to go to sleep and not wake up.

I have been diagnosed as bipolar for years and now I really wish I could be manic again. I haven't been manic since I found out about my HIV status. In fact I haven't been anything close to happy since then.

How do I reach that manic state for a while? I don't want to be in my out of control state; I just want to be manic for a short time.

Yes, I do see a pdoc and a tdoc for my mental problems, but I guess I am not sure they are really understanding anything but my old problems.

Any Answers?

Response from Mr. Shernoff

It sounds like you are really depressed. I am not sure if you are clearly stating that to your doctors. I don't know what a "p" doc and a "t" doc are, as I have never before heard either of those expressions previously. Saying you want to be manic again may be clear to you, but is probably very ambiguous and unclear to them. I urge you to start using the word "DEPRESSED" to them so that if you are not seeing an actual psychiatrist, you can be referred to one and see if he or she does diagnose a form of depression that could very well respond to anti-depressant medications. Since you said that you have a long history of being bi-polar, depression is certainly one aspect of that, and I believe that it should respond well to the correct medication specifically geared to treat your symptoms.

Of course you should not have to pretend that you are feeling OK emotionally or psychologically simply because you are not dyihng from AIDS. Feeling like you have to put up that facade must be exhausting and depressing in and of itself.

Please, the next time you see your primary care doctor and your therapist, tell them both that you are very depressed and want medication to help treat that. If they still do not take your concerns seriously, then shop around for new doctors. You deserve to have health care providers who work with you as full partners in your health care.

Best of luck and I hope that you eventually feel better. Michael Shernoff, MSW

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