Has Not dated in nearly 10 years
Jun 22, 2001
Mr. Shernoff I lost my spouse 5yrs. ago this July2nd. My problem is I would like to meet someone but was diagnosed while we were together. I don't know how to meet someone now that I am HIV+. It doesn't help either that I can't get Jim off my mind. He was an incredible person and I still miss himvery much.
Sincerly Yours Clint
Response from Mr. Shernoff
Being a gay widower myself I very much understand your predicament. Even though I am once again partnered I still think about my late partner. My partner happens to also be a widower, so conversations about our deceased lovers is part of each of our emotional history that forms one part of our relationship.
We met when he put a personal ad in one of the local gay magazines. He said that he was positive, hopeful and looking. Try writing an ad that describes yourself and the kind of man you are looking to meet. Widowers are a great catch, precisely becasue they have a track record of knowing how to do relationships. Even positive widowers can be a deisrable catch. Both my current and last relationship happened long after I knew I was HIV-positive. Don't give up hope. Begin to find local gay or AIDS related organizations which you can volunteer for. They are a great place to meet other men.
Remember don't think of each date as your next potential future husband, but rather as a way of seeing do you and he like each other and have a growing curiosity about one another.
Be patient with yourself. This will be a difficult transition that is bound to bring up an enormous amount of feelings aobut your late partner. Also a useful resource is my book Gay Widowers: Life After the Death of a Partner, published by Haworth Press.
Best of luck.
Michael Shernoff, MSW
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