Hello. I received a preliminary HIV positive test result from a rapid test yesterday. I am pretty sure that this is not a false positive since I had a very obvious sero-conversion illness exactly two weeks after what I thought was a questionable exposure.

Problem is, statistics state that supposedly I had very low risk, and am an anomaly. I have not had unprotected anal sex for close to a decade, and my last negative test was from three months ago. I know that it's difficult for most to pinpoint an exact transmission, but I can. The only sexual contact I have had in the past three months was with an acquaintance of unknown status -- he started to rub and insert into my anus without a condom (I would say he was probing with his penis for a few minutes, far less than halfway in). I stopped him, said he needs to use a condom, then we stopped altogether and did not have any further oral or anal contact. So, apparently, the most that could have happened was that he got precum around my outer anal area. Two weeks later, I had a very obvious fever, headache, aches, mouth sores, and blotchy chest and face. At the time, many others had a one-day fever and aches due to a sudden drop in the weather, but my symptoms stayed on for about five days. And now I've tested preliminary positive.

Last night, the counselor I spoke with said that unless I have one of a few obscure situations happening, it is most likely that my standard test which will come back in two weeks will be positive.

Of course I'm having the typical reactions. I want to turn my mind off and not think; I'm already thinking about insurance and medication; I'm thinking about how if ever to tell certain friends and family; about how I'll never have another intimate relationship; about how wouldn't it be convenient if that Hadron collider or our economy would take us all out together; about how even though I'm supposed to get all healthy and positive and do outreach but really I just want to disappear.

The worst thing is the fact that I've somehow defied statistics, and how I now cannot find any recent numbers on death rates and how soon one needs to start medication. I had a single exposure without full insertion, without ejaculation, without gaping wounds, and yet I'm positive. I both want to beat down the door of the person who infected me (because in retrospect, I see very clearly how sketchy he is and that he must have known he is HIV+), and never think about him again.

I feel like I've been scouring all the main HIV/AIDS websites only to find reports last updated in 2000, or to find too non-technical or inconclusive information. I understand that there are not definitive answers to cures, causes, or even treatment success because the disease attacks everyone differently.

But basically, knowing myself at 28 and feeling that it's completely ridiculous that I became HIV+ through consciously safer sex with very open communication with my partners, I feel absolutely defeated already. I want to see the statistics on how soon HIV+ populations develop AIDS or die through related complications. I want to see the statistics on how soon people develop critical viral loads to require medication when untreated. I want to read information on how full-blown AIDS now deals its hand to patients when previously medicated with current drugs. I want to see an actual number how likely a false positive in a rapid test is (though I'm sure now through the exposure and sero-conversion illness that I'm positive).

Where can I find current statistical information that is well-organized and not generalized or dumbed-down? If you need a demographic, Im male, with only homosexual experience, 28, Asian, in the US, have never used drugs, always use a condom for anal sex, and to top it off, uninsured and unemployed. I apologize for the long-windedness and obvious frustration, but I feel like I am just not finding thorough enough answers, and will not even come close to seeking counseling or support at this point. Although this letter may not fit exactly in this forum, please do go ahead and cue the obvious implications about my mental health and what I can do should you reply. Thank you.

You need to get the results of the confirmatory test or Western blot. This test is considered the gold standard for confirming a preliminary positive based on ELISA or other method, such as the rapid tests. Don't jump to conclusions about your status until you get this result.

As for information, there are many websites that provide data on HIV. I recommend the following for starters:

www.TheBody.com www.cdc.gov/hiv www.aegis.com

and many more that have links to the above websites.