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Im Tired of fighting....
Jan 9, 2006

Dear Dr Horwath, I am a 26 yr old lad from N.Ireland i was diagnosed with HIV Aug 04. I am now on my 3rd Cocktail of drugs which now my consultants have found the right combination which is a great weight of my shoulders, but i have had a really tough hard going life from losing my father when i was 7yrs old, to trying take my life twice once when i was 17 because i was gay and couldnt cope with being who i was and then when i was 23 because i was in a violent & Mental realtionship and could see no way out. I turned to drugs when i was 18yrs old going out every night dancing my heart out partying all the time hanging around with bad people, police arriving at my mums door all the time doing stupid things all the time, but then i didnt give a toss about anyone or any thing in my way, i was out of control!! I met a guy who i fell madly in love when i was 20 and spent 3yrs with him the 1st 2yrs where great and the 3rd yr a nitemare from hell..he turned into a animalhe was well built like myself but i ended up scared of him as he put me in hospital 4times broken noses, fracutured skull cheek bone list goes on. I didnt mind the fighting it was the mental abuse was worse then when i got the balls to leave him he came after me found out where i lived broke the door down and raped me in the bathroom. I went to the police but hey nothing happened i got court injuctions on him but he broke them all the time and te police did nothing. So i went to live in the Canary Islands as my family and i go there on hols for yrs so i felt at ease there and moved over. I got myself apartment job car etc and was off the drugs and making ago of my life did do partying and had few 1 nite stands and then met a lovel spanish guy who i fell for hook line and sinker was with him 5months then took really ill with fevers weight lose rash on chest etc. I cam home in Aug 04 for a holiday visit family and my mum said i looked awful so i went to docs told him my symptoms ended up in the Royal in Belfast and hey next day was diagnosed with HIV and it hit me really hard i couldnt believe i had it (Why me) runs through my head all the time. I had come home for treatment straight away as my viral load was 221,000 my CD4 count 180 it took over my body with a passion. My partner took it well and came home with me and got tested but he was Neg thank god! With the treatment i was very ill indeed with side effects and depression set in and i took it all out on my partner big time, i ended up driving him away and he left 4months ago due to my fault, Now having time on my own and dealing with things and trying get my head sorted it has helped but i still love him like no one ever before in my life and it cuts me up, hes moved to germany and strated a new life we still email each other but all i want is him back. I started seeing a councillor In the HIV Centre in town which after 5 sessions recently has brought so many of my problems out and i am finding it hard to deal with and i can feel myself falling into serious depression again and i just want to end it as i feel i have nothing to offer anyone no more. Im tired of always trying to make good of myself and bang heres another big problem in my face and i try to deal with it and shake myself and move on but now with all my problems in my face again i cant deal with them all at once and its getting to the stage where i am writing out a will to my family letters of sorry etc.. I know its a selfish thing to do but when u have no energy to fight any more whats the point i just want to be peaceful. I hate being Gay i hate having HIV i feel dirty all the time, im tired of wearing a mask putting a front on to all my mates and family that i dont even know who i am any more, the docs wanted me go on anti depressants but i wont i was on them from i was 17 to 22 and they dont help i feel. I dont know what to do i feel trapped in my life and full of anger Y i should be dealt a hard life when there is people out there taking lifes, stealing cars, etc and the good ones always come worse off in life!!

Response from Dr. Horwath

You are suffering from a serious depression and need psychiatric treatment. Although the problems you've had and your current circumstance are difficult, your thoughts of ending your life are a sign of depression and require treatment. The counseling center has brought out some issues, but your mood has taken a turn for the worse. You should see a psychiatrist for an evaluation. You will probably benefit from an antidepressant and you may need a different type of therapy, like cognitive therapy, which is more specific to depression.



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