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I feel alone
Oct 27, 2005

I am 38 years old. I did not find out I was HIV until it was full blown AIDS. I almost died with PCP. I seem to be doing better but my state of mind just keeps getting worse. My family lives in another state and the only person I have here is my boyfriend. Well he really isn't my boyfriend anymore he is more of my best friend. I feel like I am cheating him of having a normal life. I feel he only stays with me because he knows I have no where else to go. I feel so alone. I cant afford to see a therapist. Some days I feel like stoping treatment and I hoping for another opportunist infection to take my life. I have such little self worth. I used to have a normal life. I had a family, a good job a real life until AIDS. I don't even know how long I have had it or where it came from. How does one get their life back when they fear everything outside of their comfort zone?

Response from Dr. Horwath

First, I don't believe you should conclude that you are cheating your friend out of having a normal life. He is free to choose whether to stay or go, and maybe a normal life for him means being present for you. You need not feel responsible for his decisions.

As for your feelings of stopping treatment, this is a sign of the hopeless feelings that people with depression often experience. I would recommend speaking to your doctor, who may be able to help you or to refer you to someone who can treat your depression. In your case, the hopelessness is not just a feeling, but a sign of an illness - depression - that can be treated.



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