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Help please! My 'drive' still slips into stupid!

Apr 8, 2004

Hi Dr. H, I've looked over some of the past replies that seemed similar to my own and liked what I saw but would ask you advice still.

I'm 38, tested poz in 1989, suspect 1985 as the year I was infected. I've done quite a bit of growing, educating myself and stepped up to the brink and back a few times. Most of my serious effort began earnestly in late 96-97 and I've restricted or eliminated many of the major obstacles to having a satisfatory, perhaps even joyful, life. I'm good with my personal experience of god [that is I do not fear whatever is to come after tis lifetime], I can graduate college this spring if I remain focused, my family truly loves and cares for me, but I always create or allow myself or my circumstances to self-destruct feeling that my accomplishments are valid and worthwhile.

Since I attempted suicide in 1996, when Rx'd with AIDS, I very rarely completely trust my instinct or new people. There were issues related to getting off methamphetamine, the dissolution of my longest term relationship [5 years], and the way I was experiencing the world was not how other people were. I was using meth everyday for years then but have changed that to 2-3 times a year now. I just can't seem to put the habit away entirely. I get too stressed, which probably isn't all that much stress to others, and I finally break and try to run away down old paths I know don't serve me anymore, if they ever did. Using also 'reassures' me that what I remember from almost a decade ago was real at least me. Am I nuts? Why might I be doing it and how would you suggest I go about stepping outside the house of my addiction and closing the door the final time?

Thanxz so much-- Needs fine tuning

PS I never did well in 12-step progams but was able to find tools that worked for me in Rational Recovery and Smart Recovery

Response from Dr. Horwath

You've done a great job of improving your life and you have much reason to feel proud of your accomplishment. However, by continuing to use methamphetamine, you are damaging yourself and jeopardising all your progress. If you've been in a program that helped you, maybe going back would help some more. It's certainly worth a try.

HIV+ boyfriend
long time survivor still fearing the worst

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