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mother not helping me
Jan 12, 2004

my mother has known of my poz status for the past 6 years now. i am undetectible, although i gradually began wasting 2 years ago at the age of 20. for my situation, it is very important that i get adequate calories - particularly protein calories. right now, i live at home with my parents. my father works all day and makes a lot of money and my mother stays in her art room all day (in the house) and works on all kinds of projects from holiday cards to portraits for the neighbors. she could be helping me prepare all kinds of wonderful food for the fridge that i could access whenever i need. but it seems to me, her life, what makes her heart beat, is to do things for other people, and not much for me, her son. she doesn't have to do anything else for me. this is all i expect. yet she doesn't seem to want to help me in this respect. i don't know if this sounds spoiled, or what, but i think she is so selfish, sometimes i clench my fists and pound the fridge when i see how empty it is, or how it is filled with her flowers and large containers of food that she once made as an experiment - but which she never even eats - nor does anyone else. i try to shop for my own food, but she is resistant to my ideas of how the fridge should be. and there is no room for another fridge. and it's not as though she is making any big sacrifice by allowing me to live here with her. my father makes all the money and she is basically floating by in life on his dime. the least she could do is help her son at a time like this. i know this must sound trite to many reading this - to say the least - but believe me, it is very frustrating when you know you are wasting, and you are even hungry, and able to eat, and there is nothing to eat, and all the forces around you are discouraging you from nourishing yourself. i find her attitude about it disgraceful. she only focuses on herself and her projects. i think she had me as a project and decided to work on other projects when she got bored of this one. i don't expect her to spoon feed me anything - just to have a helpful attitude. and if she would spoil me a little and decided to have just one day in the week when she would help me make large portions of food that could be refrigerated for the week for easy and quick access, well, wouldn't that be a good thing? anyway, as i sit here and type this, and feel my spine pressing against the chair, and my butt bones digging into the seat, and even my forearm bone digging into the computer desk, and the hunger pains in my stomach, i wonder why my she hasn't made a solitary effort to help make times like this easy to remedy. if it were her with the wasting, she could be sure anytime she had a stomach grumble, her favorite foods were waiting for her in the fridge - without a doubt. sure i can go outside to grab a bite, but it would need to be low in grease, high in protein, low in glycemic level - nutrition needs with hiv status is no joke! plus, i need to do this at least 5 times a day just to get the nutrition i need. so this is no easy task. it requires lots and lots of time. and it helps to have a family member who pitches in. it is as if she either doesn't care about my situation, or she wants me to waste away. believe me, i am not trying to put a guilt trip on her, although it may seem that way. i'm just very pissed that in the end, she turned out to not be my biggest supporter.

Response from Dr. Horwath

You cannot control what your mother does. She has decided to lead the life she leads. All you can do is to tell her what you need and what you feel. How she responds to that is in her control and not in yours.

You need to find some way to come to terms with who your mother is. You cannot transform her. Meanwhile, find another way to take care of your nutritional needs. Your parents are being generous in opening their home to you, but they have their limitations. You need to get proper nutrition from someone other than your mother.



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