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Ex partner infecting other people
Aug 27, 2002

I've been in a relationship for the last 3 yrs. In the last year I found out that my ex partner was a patholigical liar. Based on this knowledge I am 99 convinced that he infected me. The relationship had been on rocky grounds in the last year for continueous lying and just recently I found out that he is advertising for Group RAW sex in which I can back this up with voicemail messages and an a actual sex ad on the internet. Is there something I can do to protect other people from what he has done to me personally. I live in California by the way.

Response from Mr. Shernoff

I am confused. You say he is your ex partner but then in your letter you say that you are in a relationship with him for three years. Which is it? Is he your ex or are you still with him? If you are still with him, the quetion remains whywould you want to stay with someone who is a liar and who you think infected you?

But as reprehensible as anyone infecting anyone else is, it takes two people for anyone to get infected. You were not just an innocent or ignorant victim here. You chose to have unprotected sex with him. Why simply becasue you may have loved him and believed him when he told you that he was uninfected? That is really naive. Also if you had unprotected sex with him, isn't it also possible that you had unprotected sex with other men as well? YOu say in your letter that you are 99% convinced that he infected you. This means that there is some doubt. So you must have had unprotected sex with other people or at least one other man. I don't hear you taking any responsibility for your role in what happened to you.

You sound understandably angry. It is clear that you have reasons to be angry with the manyou write about. But it also seems that you are plenty angry with yourself and don't have a clue how to deal with these feelings.

As far as warning other people, I really don't know what you can do, or what you should do. Anyone who is having unprotected sex with a person they are just hooking up with is consciously running the risk of becoming infected. Listen,

I absolutley deplore anyone lying about being HIV+, and think it is criminal for him or her to have unsafe sex with people who do not know his antibody status. But in a free society there is no way to protect people form their own stupidity or self destructiveness or just plain recklessness.

Michael Shernoff, MSW



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