Freaking out ! just want to give up
Jun 24, 2002
I have been positive on the books now for two years.and I know when I was infected in 91 I got involved with a person, when i was mad at my lover who was cheating . and I had sex with this person who gave me the I luv you crap well we had sex and with a condom well when this person ejaculated he started laughing to make long story short the rubber broke and the luv afair ended two days after this encounter I got very sick and stayed that way for weeks and then got better. well a girl who knew this person told me he was pos+ and was infecting people . well I didn't beleive her and denied it till the year 2000 when I passed out and ended up in the hospital to find out I had a t-cell count of 81 and viral load off the charts my doctor put me on meds combvir ,viramune, bactrum ,diflucan well the first year and half i went undetectible. well for the last six months every time I go to my doctor he keeps trying to send me to a shrink but every time I freak out and don't go and now i even freak out to go to the doctor and I just get in the bed and cry what's going on I am very depressed all the time and the internet just fuels it and im to scared to go to the doctor so thats why im asking what should i do please respond this took alot for me to do. yours truly mad sad and freaked out!!!
Response from Mr. Shernoff
I think you already know what you must do, but are just not able to bring yourself to do it. Otherwise you would not have written to me.
It is not easy to live wiht a life threatening illness. You really need alot of help to regain control of your life. Part of the help is professional. I really respect your doctor for trying to urge you to get the help you need in order to stop what you call "freaking out." If you do not overcome your fears and make an appointment with a good mental health professional and then keep the appointment, and continue to see this person at least once every week and talk to him or her about everything that you are feeling, there is no way that you can ever begin to feel better.
You may also need to take some kind of psychiatric medication in addition to going to talk therapy. If the therapist you see recommends this, then please follow his or her suggestion.
Additionaly, I suggest that you call the local AIDS support organization and make an appointment to speak with someone there. They have counselors on staff who can be helpful to you. Joining an AIDS support group to meet others who are learning to live with the disease is probably also an excellent idea.
When you say that you just feak out and stay in bed, this is very serious. This is why I am telling you that in order to begin the process of feeling better you really need to follow ALL of the above suggestions, and not just one or two of them. I know that it will be very uncomfortable for you, but your choice is to either continue not to have any kind of a life because you give in to your fears, or else really begin to take good care of yourself by getting the comprehensive mental health care from both a team of professionals and nonprofefssionals that you really, really need.
Michael Shernoff, MSW
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