Im Burnt!

The other day Id finished a Ryan White title two meeting when I stopped at the back of the room and found a CDC pamphlet for providers to help them deal with Burnout. As I was thumbing through the pages it occurred to me that Ive never seen something like this for those of us who are HIV positive. Sure we have our support groups started by us and driven by us. But what do providers know about our burnout?

On the drive home this thought kept turning over in my mind. Sure providers and caregivers have to deal with burnout and I support them getting all the help they need. Yet, Ive been positive for 21 years and Ive seen more doctors, psychiatrist, nurse practitioners, nutritionist, phlebotomist, therapist, surgeons, counselors, neurologist and case managers than one can possibly imagine. I get tired sometimes of having to go to this appointment and that, having that exam done, tests run or the next blood drawl. I am tired of waiting rooms with magazines from two years ago, the chairs so worn and hard that I stand because my butt cant deal with it anymore. Do these rooms really have to be so gloomy? I really get fed up with doctors not hearing me and telling me what I should be doing instead of listening to me when I say how damn painful it is to give myself one more shot. Im tired of worrying that the Treatment Modernization act will wipe away any shred of humanity I have as easily as Ryan White was dropped from the title. Sound like I am bitching? Yes, I am. Im burnt, burnt so badly that at times the only way I feel I can be empowered is refuse to take my medicine or to do the things that are really good for me.

So what do I need? I need a little understanding that there are days I just dont feel like doing much of anything. I need you to know that when you want me to come in for yet another appointment that I might just been too tired to do it. I need you to know that I realize you have burnout too. I need you to know that as exhausted and burned out you are I am too and Ive been doing this HIV thing a lot longer than you.

I appreciate that you are being so open about your experience. You are certainly correct when you say that some health care providers would provide better care by listening to you - the patient.

However, I would like to point out that most doctors, nurses and other health professionals went into the field in order to try to help. We are all human - patients and providers - and we all get tired. We would all do well to take a moment and try to see things from the other side of the examining room.