Hi Doctor,

I engaged in some pretty high risk sex behaviour over ten years ago, when i was in my early 20's, and when it was the common opinion that women my age were not really a high risk group, and that some behaviours (i.e. performing oral sex on men) were a negligable risk...now the information coming out tells a different story...and this is not making my decision to get tested easier, in fact it's making me worse! I am confronting many issues from my past these days...my financial mistakes, etc. and this seems too difficult to bear! I am afraid of the stigma of HIV more than the disease. I can work myself into a frenzy persuing links to symptoms online, until I reach the breaking point and don't even want to see the word "HIV". I have been in three long term relationships in ten years...and all of my partners new of my "promiscuous" past (there was a year or two of my life when I had several "one night stands" with people who I percieved to be "friends" then, but in actuality didn't know them well at all). I am so afraid that if I test positive, I will no longer be able to love or be loved, I will become a person with HIV rather than a person...a sub-human...even though I don't think of people with HIV that way, I am afraid people will think of me that way, or will judge me as a "slut". I don't think these issues are addressed enough...I am afraid of being one of the new "stats" of hiv+ women in their 30's. I am upset that the emotional impact of testing doesn't get discussed enough. Testing is mentioned as though it's as easy as getting a haircut...and in some cases...almost as though it's a fun thing to do!? For me it's the scariest thing in the world to face right now...and it's getting scarier all the time with all the information available. I almost wish the internet didn't have so much information...it can scare people away as much as inform them...depending on the person...it can make mental health worse instead of better. I would welcome any words of wisdom or confort you might have...but I have all the facts and stats, information, misinformation, and confusion my brain can handle...any more, and I will be in the looney-bin with anxiety! Thank you for being here and allowing me to get this off my chest!

In spite of your anxiety, the appropriate response is to get the HIV antibody test. Your anxiety is only made worse by the uncertainty your experiencing. The solution is to end your uncertainty by getting the test.