Six Months Since Diagnosis
Mar 1, 2006
Thought I would share this with the Docs who helped me Get my life back
Well, this will be six months since my diagnosis of HIV. I write this to make sure I know where I am. I am not the man I was, nor will I ever be. What really makes me shudder is that I am a better person for having gone thru this than without. Why would anyone say that? Well first of all, I have no choice in the matter presently. Turn a negative into a positive. I have been dealt a very complex set of variables that affect me and how I interact with society and the people I love. I have peeked into my own mortality. I have explored the darkest corners of fear and worry that my psyche could conjure up. Then I would take it even further. How long did I stay there? I dont really remember. I remember the 16 pounds I lost. I remember the numerous fifteen mile hikes trying to sort things out. I remember that I reached out and grabbed hold of anyone who would listen. I cried on Williams shoulder and fell to sleep in his arms after I could not go on any longer. They say pain translates into growth or eventual death. I want to live. I chose to surround myself with pos and neg friends & family, Mom and Dad, Sister and Brothers. I chose not to act on fear and desperation any longer but turn my retreat into an attack, a fight. I didnt keep secrets about being gay and I didnt keep secrets about my health or status. One of the hardest things I have had to accept is that I am mortal. I had never broken a bone, always been healthy, but now, I have to think about what I am doing. I have to think about the 7 pills that await me every night. I have to think about things that negative people never even dreamed of thinking about. Sometimes this makes me angry, sad, remorseful, or melancholy. It still does, but I think over time, I will get use to this new way of living.
I see this creation I live in as a gift. I also see that what will be, will be. God, just please give me as much time as I need to learn what you want me to learn. Let me be receptive of new thought and new ideas. Let me not be quick to judge. Show me a purpose for my existence.
Response from Dr. Young
Thanks for your follow up and for sharing your experiences.
By sharing, you demonstrate your receptiveness of new thoughts and ideas-- these are valuable both to you and to the many, many readers of the forum. Maybe, in an unexpected way, this is a purpose.
Best of health to you. BY
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