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Six Months Since Diagnosis
Mar 1, 2006

Thought I would share this with the Docs who helped me Get my life back

Well, this will be six months since my diagnosis of HIV. I write this to make sure I know where I am. I am not the man I was, nor will I ever be. What really makes me shudder is that I am a better person for having gone thru this than without. Why would anyone say that? Well first of all, I have no choice in the matter presently. Turn a negative into a positive. I have been dealt a very complex set of variables that affect me and how I interact with society and the people I love. I have peeked into my own mortality. I have explored the darkest corners of fear and worry that my psyche could conjure up. Then I would take it even further. How long did I stay there? I dont really remember. I remember the 16 pounds I lost. I remember the numerous fifteen mile hikes trying to sort things out. I remember that I reached out and grabbed hold of anyone who would listen. I cried on Williams shoulder and fell to sleep in his arms after I could not go on any longer. They say pain translates into growth or eventual death. I want to live. I chose to surround myself with pos and neg friends & family, Mom and Dad, Sister and Brothers. I chose not to act on fear and desperation any longer but turn my retreat into an attack, a fight. I didnt keep secrets about being gay and I didnt keep secrets about my health or status. One of the hardest things I have had to accept is that I am mortal. I had never broken a bone, always been healthy, but now, I have to think about what I am doing. I have to think about the 7 pills that await me every night. I have to think about things that negative people never even dreamed of thinking about. Sometimes this makes me angry, sad, remorseful, or melancholy. It still does, but I think over time, I will get use to this new way of living.

I see this creation I live in as a gift. I also see that what will be, will be. God, just please give me as much time as I need to learn what you want me to learn. Let me be receptive of new thought and new ideas. Let me not be quick to judge. Show me a purpose for my existence.

Show me.

Response from Dr. Young

Thanks for your follow up and for sharing your experiences.

By sharing, you demonstrate your receptiveness of new thoughts and ideas-- these are valuable both to you and to the many, many readers of the forum. Maybe, in an unexpected way, this is a purpose.

Best of health to you. BY

cd4 at 6
Transmisson by Gums (2)

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