Dec 2, 2006
Positive for 10 years, now 49, tired & depressed! In a 20 yr relationship that's not really a relationship anymore, to much internet screwing around & descret hookups, tried leaving a few years ago, got talked into returning & working it out by family. Never should have returned. Deciding what to do, tcel norm is 315, v/l undetected, recent tcel down to 75 than back upto 190. Don't have the energy to leave/drama with partner, and want to know the effects/time frame of just stopping meds and letting aids kill me. Suicide by aids? Can't be the first to want this. Just want the facts not phyco shit, been there, done that. These are questions you can't ask your doctor probably won't get an answer here. Oh well your worth a try, I'm just so tired of day to day pretending to be happy.
Response from Dr. Frascino
Why are you "pretending to be happy" when clearly you are anything but??? You are, as you accurately pointed out, "tired and depressed" and you have very good reasons for this.
The answer, however, is not "suicide by AIDS!" (Actually that's a bit redundant, as AIDS is not curable anyway.) The answer is what to do about being so damned tired, depressed and unhappy. No, this is not psycho-shit (or, as you wrote, phyco-shit, whatever the hell that is). It's merely reality. I've just returned from a trip to Boston where I was spending time with my brother. He's 22 months older than I am and he's on home hospice/palliative care for terminal end-stage lung cancer with metastases to his brain and spine. He's fought an incredible battle for over two years, despite the fact he was given a prognosis of only four months when diagnosed in October of 2004. I wish you could have been with me. I'm convinced you would have found the experience to be enlightening. Even though my brother is often having trouble speaking now, we still tell each other "every day above ground is a good day." I find it incredibly sad that you would wish some of your good days away. My brother would gladly accept any and all you are so willing to dispense with.
So how long will it take for your "Suicide by AIDS?" No one can accurately answer that question. Theodore Roethke perhaps put it best when he wrote:
"How body from spirit slowly does unwind Until we are pure spirit at the end."
("Infirmity," Theodore Roethke)
I don't believe you are ready to "unwind" just yet, or you wouldn't be writing to me.
Why do you feel you can't speak openly to your doctor about your concerns and your decisions? I suggest you do just that. Don't "pretend to be happy." Just be honest. You didn't think you'd get an answer from me and you did. Could you be wrong about other things as well?
At this point in your life, the decision to exist or not is still yours. Every day above ground can be a good day. The decision is yours.
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