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Regarding your nasty response to the HIV question
Nov 11, 2006

Bob (I find it hard to believe youre a doctor),

Isnt the first rule of being a doctor, DO NO HARM? I feel you owe this woman quite an apology and then some; she came to you [and the site] for help. How carefully did you read the question? I believe you mistook her statement I know he was engaging in gay sex before this. I think she meant to say that after her husband came out to her, she found out her husband had engaged in gay sex before he disclosed his new sexual identity. She said that she was a mess, that was a BIG clue that she needed to the responded to in a kind, caring, compassionate way (but a real doctor would have anyway). Your response was not only unprofessional and in poor taste, it goes against the compassion you claim to have.

I find it repulsive that you asked her if she is Mrs. Haggard and even referenced that situation. Do you find it enjoyable to kick someone when theyre down or rubbing salt in a persons wounds? Being gay yourself, you should have been more empathetic with this womans circumstances. Your response disgraced the entire GLBT community. If I thought it would be any good, Id write to the medical board about concerning this matter. If youre teaching any form of medical practice (like your site indicates), I urge you to have your students take the lessons on manners and humanity elsewhere.

There was no need to be nasty. All you need have stated was your second paragraph. Im sure that she would have been happy with it. Instead you delivered good news to her amidst pain and agony.

Response from Dr. Frascino

Hello,

Whoa! Might I suggest you ratchet down your indignation a few notches and be reasonable? Try taking three big cleansing yoga breaths. Go ahead. We'll wait . . . . There, doesn't that feel better? No? Hmmm . . . have you got any Prozac or Valium handy?

I'll reprint the post that caused your rant below. Personally I do not feel it (1) is repulsive, (2) does harm, (3) disgraces the entire GLBT community, (4) warrants sanctions from the medical board, (5) is nasty or (6) caused pain and agony.

My advice was quite simple. I advised that:

1. she was definitively HIV negative.

2. no further HIV testing was warranted.

3. she should get counseling if she is having difficulty psychologically.

4. "coming out" and not living a lie is always the right thing to do for all involved.

I stand by that advice as sound, accurate and compassionate.

Mentioning Haggard was obviously done for levity (not meanness) and because it was so topical. It's also worth noting that Reverend Haggard's and his religious right's rants against homosexuality and gay unions are a large part of the problem that drives gay men into "straight" marriages that are clearly doomed to fail.

I would hazard a guess that your hubby may now have a hubby of his own and you haven't quite gotten to the forgiveness stage yet. (But that's just a guess. Don't go all nuclear if it's not the case, OK?) Until you do, keep those Prozac and Valium handy and stop accusing people of ill intentions when none exists.

Dr. Bob

How Many Tests Do I Need? Nov 3, 2006

After 20+ years of marriage, my husband announced May 29 that he is gay. I know he was engaging in gay sex before this. We last had sex in April 2006. I was tested in May (everything fine) and again today six months later. How long must I be tested to make sure I do not have HIV? THANKS! I am a mess.

Response from Dr. Frascino

Hi,

Well, if you knew he was engaging in gay sex before, at least his May 29 announcement shouldn't have been a total surprise, right? Say, you're not Mrs. "Reverend" Ted Haggard, president of the National Association of Evangelicals, are you?????? I just read about him in today's New York Times. Apparently as one of the most influential "Christian" leaders busy condemning "the homosexual lifestyle" and advocating passage of an amendment to the United States Constitution to ban same-sex unions, he is also alleged to be involved in a three-year sexual relationship with a male prostitute and to use crystal methamphetamine! Hmmm. Looks like another right wing religious zealot hypocrite bites the dust (among other things)! But hopefully this wing-nut tweaker is not your husband!

Regarding HIV screening, your negative tests out to six months are definitive and conclusive. No further tests are warranted or necessary. You are HIV negative.

If you are really "a mess," consider getting some counseling. As difficult as this situation is right now, "coming out" and not living a lie is always the right thing to do for all involved. Just ask the oh-so-reverend Haggard!

Good luck.

Dr. Bob


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