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DisAppointed in your answer.
Oct 7, 2002

Dr Bob,

I think you are most definitely the MAN! However, I have to strongly disagree with your response to the below message. Why would you allow a man who is potentially HIV infected to continue in sexual relations with his unknowing wife? At the very least, this person needs to let his wife know about his exposure. She has every right in this world to a healthy life. Why endanger her to protect his secret life? By the way, thanks for all the work you put in at TheBody. I truly think your are doing a valuable service to mankind. (This statement is NOT over the top)-PL ----------------------------- Hi bob im a maried man and last monthe 5/Ags/2002 i had my first gay relation with a 21yr old man and is relation least for 3 days we were doing almost every thing and i fucked him tow times without using protection but he didnot do it to me after these three days he told me that he was HIV infected he also told me is in the low range ... and i was very scared ... today i had my test after one month from the exposure and it was negative , my quistion im i still uder the risk of been positive ...please anser me soon because since then i did not tuche my wife because im afried of transfering HIV to her... and at the same time i have no more reasons to give exsplanig my self away from her... please tell me what to do and save my life.

Hi,

I don't know if I can save your life over the Internet, but at least I'll try to give you some direction on what to do, OK?

Your risk is "doing almost everything," including insertive anal intercourse without protection, but not receptive anal sex with an HIV-positive guy. OK, this type of exposure is significant and I certainly would recommend you have an HIV test 3 months after the last exposure. There are a few things that are in your favor for hopefully remaining HIV-negative: 1) You didn't have anal receptive intercourse, 2) Your partner's viral load was low (I assume this is what you mean by "in the low range"), and 3) Your 1-month HIV test is negative. However, again, it's the 3-month test that counts.

Now what about your wife? How do you explain (or as you say, "exsplanis") this? Several options come to mind. First, you could tell her the truth. Scary as that sounds, the truth is usually the best way to go. You may need to evaluate what led you to this gay relationship in the first place. Ultimately, we all need to search for happiness and health. If you are gay, you may need some help coming to terms with that and what that means for you personally and for your marriage. Therapy or counseling may help. The fact that this sounded like a fairly passionate affair that lasted 3 days is what leads me to make these suggestions. If you prefer to remain secretive about this episode, you'll need to use condoms with your wife, at least until you get your 3-month HIV test results. How you explain this to her is up to you. I hope this helps. We'll all keep our fingers crossed that your 3-month test will remain negative.

Good luck.

Dr. Bob

Response from Dr. Frascino

Hello PL,

Thanks for the comments. Please note I did advise this gentleman that he should indeed tell his wife the truth! Second, I suggested he get some counseling or therapy to help him sort out why he felt compelled to have this 3-day risky fling with another man. Last, if he was unwilling to be honest with his wife, I advised him to use condoms if he was going to have sex with her until his HIV test came back negative. These suggestions were made not to protect his secret life, but to protect his wife. Condoms appropriately used are extremely effective in preventing HIV transmission, and there is a good chance this gentleman is not HIV-positive. (Negative 1-month test, no anal receptive intercourse, low viral load in his sex partner, etc.). Hopefully, this helps clarify any confusion or disappointment. Thanks for writing.

Dr. Bob


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