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need help to save a good thing
Aug 27, 1999

i have been seeing a guy for about 9 months who is hiv+, i am negative. we engaged in safe sex once or twice before he told me, and two or three times after that safely. he went on the cocktail treatment in april and he is now undetectable and his other numbers are improving. the problem is intimacy and sex. we have none. i am truly in love with this man and want to be with him, but he has no interest in me. i have brought the situation up many times, but he is unwilling to do anything about it. i know he has sexual urges, but he handles them alone, when i'm not around. i can't tell you the hurt i feel. we are just about at the end of our rope. i have suggested counseling, but he is unwilling. i don't want to lose this man, but my needs and desires are not being met. i honestly believe that he loves me, but his unwillingness makes it hard to think so some times. please give me some advice so that this good thing doesn't end because of my or his stupidity. as i said, i am just about to call it quits, so a quick answer would be greatly appreciated.

Response from Dr. Remien

From your description it sounds like this guy is just not interested, not willing to deal with your frustrations, and doesn't want to talk about what is going on (and not going on) between you. It certainly is possible that he is having a hard time because of his HIV status (and if so, he may need some counseling about that), but it could also have absolutely nothing to do with HIV. Whatever the cause of his disinterest, the bottom line is that he is not attending to or concerned about your needs. Because of your feelings towards him it is clear that his avoidance is very painful to you. I suggest you do whatever you need to do to address your needs. You may need to work with a therapist to do this. If, in the end, he is not caring enough to deal with your feelings, this may not be the relationship for you. Don't let him get away with total avoidance because that is abusive to you.


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