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All This Frustration
Nov 1, 1999

Thanks in advance. I'm a guy who met a guy who is pos. I am neg. I thought about it and did a lot of research (in fact a lot of it on The Body -- great site!). I decided to see where this would go. I figured a slow and steady pace would be good for both of us. During the course of things, he started to grow more distant and not returning calls. This apparently is a common theme for him -- I have talked with a couple of his friends who have experienced the same thing. I finally confronted him and he had said that things (like job and social network -- he's reasonable new to the area) were unsettled in his life and that those things needed to be in balance. He says it sort of puts him in a depression (wants to sleep most of the time, breaks plans with people (including me -- argh!) at last minute). And at this point in time he can't date anybody while everything is unsettled. Now this is completely understandable but it leaves me back to that damn square one wondering what's going to happen -- it's why I confronted him in the first place but now I am left to my own devices once again. If he is lonely and depressed, I would think he would want to be with me or someone or at least want to talk to me or someone else. He said he wanted me to patient with him but as I have thought about this the past couple of days -- this scenario is not good for me either. Too much agida! I am not trying to be selfish, living with HIV has to have it's ups and downs. I'm really trying hard to understand here. I am there for him, I have told him that point blank. Either I am barking up the wrong tree and it was his way of gently turning me away (he is usually WAY WAY more direct than this last discussion) or his depression could really be a valid excuse for him not to want to start anything. I feel like thinking the ball is in his court. As crazy as I am about this guy, I can't make someone want to be with me. It's his turn to speak up but at the same time I want to be supportive as much as I can. At least be a friend. (God -- did I just answer my own question) I just feel like I didn't get a full answer. Jeez this sounds like Jr High but it is nonetheless the scenario -- so now I don't even know whether or not to even talk to him. I certainly don't want to lose what might be a good thing for both of us. Not looking for an answer here but a suggestion or two would sure help!

Response from Dr. Remien

You are absolutely right when you say, " I can't make someone want to be with me." Therefore you shouldn't try! It sounds like he is simply not available for a "real" relationship - at this time, for reasons that have nothing to do with you. You are deserving of a relationship where the other person is willing to be close and intimate, so don't settle or try to force something that isn't happening.


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