I have been with my partner for 5 years, and we recently found out he's HIV+ (I'm not). He says that I am making his situation worse by causing stress in his life (money problems, not doing enough around the house, etc.). To some extent he is right, and I try to avoid causing him extra stress, but it's hard to change who I am (a slob who makes a lot of money but is not good with money mangement). I try to change, but when I do something irresponsible (e.g., forget to pay a bill), he overreacts and makes me feel like I'm trying to kill him. Also, he thinks that I sometimes do irresponsible things because I am trying to get out of the relationship, which could not be further from the truth. I love him and want to make this work. Any suggestions? I want to do anything I can to help him, but I'm not sure I can handle the pressure of having my everyday actions raised to the level of life-or-death matters.

Unfortunately it is not unusual for mixed status couples to blame many of their problems on HIV and this difference between them. While reducing stress in life is a good thing for people living with HIV as well as for people who are uninfected, it cannot be pointed to as the reason for getting sick. It seems to me that you and your partner are having difficulties communicating effectively and trusting each other, and HIV is getting used as a "scapegoat" for other problems you are having. Also, you are right when you note that everyday matters cannot be "raised to the level of life-or -death." That is not fair to anyone.

If things do not improve soon I suggest you and your partner speak with a couples counselor before things get worse and too much damage is done to the relationship.