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Questions about dating a positive man
Feb 27, 2005

Hey there Dr., I am a healthy 25 y/o male that is dating an older male that has had HIV for over 15 years and is a non-progressor. I know I am negative and have a few questions as he is a really great guy and I am a PhD scientist that works on diagnostics and just need a reality check since I am so analytical! :)

So, I understand that even deep kissing is not a risk factor and have gotten over those concerns. We have a conveniently safe relationship in the respect that I am the more active partner and he is more passive. So we kiss, touch, and mutually masterbate, but I even do that with a glove when I am giving him an orgasm. I also like to gently bite and suck his neck, but not in a way that would draw blood. He sometimes licks my cock with his tongue only, but if I receive oral sex, I even use a condom. Also, I masage him anally, but with a latex glove on as well. He also licks me anally, but this should not be a factor either, as far as I have read.

Am I missing anything, or is all of this non-risk activity. The reason I ask is simple. I simply want to enjoy these things, feel good with my partner and not worry about having to be tested frequently if I know we are monogamous and only do things such as the ones presented above. And, we are both happy with the list of activities above and do not need to engage in anything risky, so knowing that my logic is correct would be of great pleasure to my mind.

Thanks for your help.

Response from Dr. Remien

It certainly sounds to me like you are being very safe and vigilant in your sex behaviors with each other. That is commendable. And it is good to know that you are both feeling satisfied with your sex life. The only behavior you described that carries some obvious risk is his "rimming" you. The risk is not for transmission of HIV to you, but risk of his contracting something like hepatitis or parasites, if you were to ever be infected with such things.

Keep in mind that there are even more behaviors you could be engaging in that would also be considered to be safe, if you ever find yourselves wanting to experience other things in your sex life with each other.

I suggest you visit the "Safe Sex, HIV Prevention, and Transmission" forum on this website for more reassurance about what is and isn't considered to be "risky."

I'm sure your "analytic skills" serve you quite well in your work. And I believe you have used good logic regarding your sex life with your partner. Now I think you can leave the heavy "analysis" out of the bedroom and relax and have fun! Take care and continue to enjoy each other while also keeping yourselves healthy.


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