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In Love with a Negative Man
Jan 3, 2005

Hi Dr. Remien, I was tested positive a little over 2 years ago. Recently I met a guy, and I really liked him alot. I think that I am falling in love with this guy. I was afraid to tell him about my status, because he is negative and I am positive. The reason why I was so afraid to tell him, is because I really start having strong feelings for this guy and I was afraid to loose him. But I felt that I needed to tell him before any intimate intercourse. He is top and I am bottom. At the end I decided to tell him before we made love, and I think he got scared, and I do understand him. But I think like I said before, I am in Love with this guy and I can't stop thinking about him. I have cried and still cry alot, because at the moment we are somewhat apart, because he wants to think about my being positive. My question is: how safe is it, if we decide to have a relationship(protected)? Is french/passionate kissing okay? Won't he get sick or infected if we french kiss?. How safe is oral(me on him, or him on me without condoms)? And do you think it is possible to have a relationship with him, eventhough I am positive? Dr. Reimen, I would really like to hear your input about this, because I really love this man. Thank you so much for your time and input.

A boy in love.

Response from Dr. Remien

It's important for you to realize that you are not alone, being in this type of situation. While being in a mixed status relationship has its challenges, it is certainly viable. There are many people having happy, healthy, and satisfying long-term relationships even when they are of opposite HIV status. At the same time, there are some people who are unwilling to give it a try and run from this type of relationship. It is not clear if your "man"will allow himself to get involved or not - time will tell. Either way, it's still better that you have disclosed to him because it is not a secret you can comfortably keep when getting intimate with someone.

Regarding your questions about "safety" with particular behaviors, it is generally well accepted that heavy kissing is not a mode of transmission for HIV. Oral sex is considered to be low risk, but not "zero" risk. The low risk associated with oral sex is generally thought to be in the context of the uninfected person performing the act on the infected person and in such cases the transmission route is via ejaculate or pre-ejaculate fluid. Mouth sores and or bleeding gums would raise the level of risk. Please spend some time on the "Safe Sex, HIV Prevention and Transmission" Forum on this website to learn a lot more about risk associated with sex behaviors.

And again, it is certainly possible for you to have a relationship with a man who is HIV- negative and I would encourage you to remain open to this possibility. However, the other person needs to be willing as well. Good luck.


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