Feb 1, 2002
This question was written to you on August 27, 1999. I am in this exact position right now. Is there any way to contact this person to ask them what they did? I have been with my partner for 5 years, he has been positive for 7. For the first two years of our relationship, he was very loving and sexual (we had safe sex). I know he was still terrified he would infect me. Since then, his sexual urges have slowed and stopped. He says he has none, that it is not me, that he is just not a sexual person. I do not want to end this relationship, but would love some advice. Thank you.
i have been seeing a guy for about 9 months who is hiv+, i am negative. we engaged in safe sex once or twice before he told me, and two or three times after that safely. he went on the cocktail treatment in april and he is now undetectable and his other numbers are improving. the problem is intimacy and sex. we have none. i am truly in love with this man and want to be with him, but he has no interest in me. i have brought the situation up many times, but he is unwilling to do anything about it. i know he has sexual urges, but he handles them alone, when i'm not around. i can't tell you the hurt i feel. we are just about at the end of our rope. i have suggested counseling, but he is unwilling. i don't want to lose this man, but my needs and desires are not being met. i honestly believe that he loves me, but his unwillingness makes it hard to think so some times. please give me some advice so that this good thing doesn't end because of my or his stupidity. as i said, i am just about to call it quits, so a quick answer would be greatly appreciated.
Response from Dr. Remien
First of all, all questions and postings on this Forum are anonymous. No identifying information is available to me or to anyone accessing this site. So it would be impossible for anyone to be in contact with anyone posting a question. This arrangement is deliberate and it is our policy to maintain anonymity.
Regarding your situation, as with the person who wrote the question you refer to and others out there, any relationship is challenged when there is avoidance of an issue and poor communication. People may lose sexual interest at various times for a whole variety of reasons. The bottom line is that COMMUNICATION is key. The needs of BOTH people in a relationship are important and valid and need to be addressed. Honest and open communication about feelings and thoughts is the starting point for later "problem solving" about the situation. Strategies and solutions to difficult situations will evolve from ongoing dialogue and ultimately will be up to the two of you. It may be helpful to hear and know how others in your situation have dealt with such things. Perhaps you can ask around in your community to see if there are groups, forums, or seminars where you can meet other couples like yourselves. But again, the solution that you and your partner come up with will have to meet the needs, desires, and expectations that are yours - not anybody else's.
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