Old and dont have alot of fight left
Apr 26, 2012
Im 48 but have been pos 16 years abd hospitalized with Meningitis in 05, my health is questionable but I do go to the gym and treadmill 3 miles a day, Im still really foggy in my thinking and went on disability in 05, I have a wife of 14 years who can tell Im giving up, I had a great career as aMarine and a tradesman but now Im just wore out even if I do treadmill...my life has no purpose anymore, Im existing for a ssdi check, my credit is gone, my 2 homes, just about everything because of everything, she is now talking about giving up herself, more of the cold shoulder treatment, I have a son who is 9 and doesnt really know whats going on and I feel bad for him, I wrote a few books one about my life with and before HIV and had it published on Amazon which was great but I feel like a bum....Ive worked so hard my whole life and really had a good life before all this and really kinda want to just check out, I dont feel anything anymore, as my doc said I have flat affect...I think Im just sick of living, Ive been through a crazy life though, homeless, abused, dad killed himself, marine corps Navy 4 years of college and 13 more years as an electrician, Ive lived more than many people and Im only 48 but I feel its a done deal at this point....am I wrong to think this way?
Response from Mr. Vergel
I am so sorry that you feel that way. Believe it or not, I have also felt that hopeless and flat in the past.
I need to ask you a few questions to know more.
Have you talked to your doctor about this? Are you on any antidepressants? Have you got your testosterone blood level checked? Are you sleeping well and enough? Have you tried counseling? Are you taking Atripla or Sustiva?
This is what worked for me:
1- I switched away from Sustiva (one episode). My mind cleared and my mood improved
2- I got a sleep study to determine if I had sleep apnea. I had a mild case.
3- I got into therapy. It worked but it drained me sometimes
4- I took this class and it helped me a lot to see what negative stories I was feeding my mind: The Landmark Forum
5- I took antidepressants for a while
6- I got my testosterone blood levels raised
7- I exercised lightly even when I was tired or unmotivated
8- I talked to my friends and reached out (like you seem to be doing now with us at thebody.com)
9- I found passion for something else that could occupy the vacuum that leaving my fulfilling career as an engineer left (started going to classes, trained myself on health, starting writing, etc). Many of us have to re-invent ourselves to find our life purpose after going on disability.
10- I got out of the house by I volunteering in HIV non profits/fundraisers.
Let me know if you have answers to the above questions and if you need any more information. The road to seeing the light at the end of the tunnel can seem like a long one but if we proceed one day at a time while being gentle with ourselves, many of us can do it.
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